In a lot of rather embarrasing ways, not much about my life during these crazy times has changed. I've been a work-from-home mom for over a decade now, I'm a natural homebody and an introvert, and with five kids (including a baby), I spend the majority of my days within the walls of our home.
But, as I have quickly discovered the hard way, there is a big, big difference beween spending most of my days chilling at home with my baby and spending all of my days and nights with my baby, my four other kids, and (gulp) my husband, with not so much as even a Starbucks run to escape to.
The truth is, now that I am never, ever truly alone, no matter how much I try, I've stumbled upon some truths:
I am someone who really needs alone time to be a more sane version of myself
and
I am a terrible person based on these unpretty thoughts that go through my mind now on a daily basis.
Also, disclaimer: Please note this is meant to be a humorous take on life at home with children during this time. I am well aware of the serious nature of these times, as well as the devastating effects it is having on families.
So, without further ado, here are some thoughts that run through my head every single day in lockdown.
Have my children always chewed like that?!
Truly, I don't understand how any of their classmates stand to be around them at lunchtime. I feel like I need to write an apology letter to any adults in the lunchroom, because it's that bad. And also, I've taken to eating my own meals in the kitchen in order to actually enjoy my food instead of being repulsed by the sounds emitting from the pack of dinosaurs I am apparently raising.
Seriously, why are you all obsessed with me?
I can't take two steps in this house without someone hunting me down. The baby is attached to me, my husband is "just checking on me," the 11-year-old just wants to ask me, yet again, if I've changed my mind about her having a phone yet. I'M NOT THAT GREAT — WHY DO YOU ALL WANT TO BE AROUND ME CONSTANTLY?!
I'm the worst mother in the world
Isn't that what we have all wanted on some level — more time with our kids, fewer responsibilities in the outside world? And yet, now that it's here, it's freaking hard. I waver between this thought and major guilt that I want some kind of escape from the very humans I brought into this world with the reality that, OK, it's normal and human to want a break. A worldwide catastrophe isn't exactly a relaxing time to reconnect, you know?
This is what I've been waiting for
On the flip side, it's been evily satisfying to see my husband — who is now working from home — experience firsthand everything I've tried to explain to him about working from home with kids for years. He has collapsed on the couch multiple times, complete exhausation written on his face, and uttered, "It doesn't make sense. I've got nothing actually accomplished and yet, I'm so exhausted. They won't let me even complete a thought in my head."
WELCOME TO MY LIFE, HUSBAND.
This closet would make a nice little retreat for me
A real thought I had yesterday, while cleaning my basement.
Screen time = me time
I haven't gone fully over into the screen life, simply because we live in a rural area with limited internet access (I know), but that has just made the screen time we get all the more precious here. It's something we all treasure. Let the American Academy of Pediatrics fight me, if they want.
How did Ma Ingalls do it?
Truly. Never alone, no bathrooms, stuck churning butter, Pa coming in from the barn stinking to high heavens like cow, and probably eyeing her in her nightgown, hoping for some down-on-the-prairie action. Ugh. I feel for her, I really do.
This parking lot is my Target now
I actually never really shopped at Target (please see again: rural area), but Target is a symbol of moms that stands for our freedom, our place of escape, our sliver of hope in this crazy world of parenting, and for many of us, without it, we are left floundering.
For me, I have been able to escape my family approximately once a week, when I am able to actually pick up groceries, and I make the most of that time by parking somewhere in the parking lot and just sitting alone. Last week, I brought my tweezers and shaped my eyebrows alone in the Walmart parking lot — and if that doesn't say #quarantinespaday, I don't know what does.
Improvise, adapt, overcome
Why, yes, this is the univeral sign of all moms everywhere who know the reality of trying to use a bathroom with a baby at home.
When this is all over, I'm checking myself into a hotel ASAP
Right now, my current fantasy is that if and when the world is ever safe again, I will check myself completely alone into the fanciest hotel I can afford, to lounge in the comfiest bed, order all of the room service I want, and watch all of the TV shows I want, with nary a complaint or need in sight. Ahhhhhh.
