My kids swore that “everyone” had a cell phone before they did. I was unapologetically that mom who held off, as long as possible, from handing my kids their own device. Part of my choice was fear, but the other part was knowing the harsh realities. Once you hand your child their own phone, there’s no going back. However, we live in an age of technology, and at some point, parents will cave.
Just because you’re considering allowing your child to have their own phone, it doesn’t mean all hope is lost. There are steps that parents can take to ensure our children’s safety and well-being. My family has implemented all of these, and yes, it’s been helpful.
Agree on phone rules *before* getting a phone
Sit down with your kiddo, and make a list of phone rules together. For example, when can the phone be used? What can the phone be used for? What’s on the not-happening-right-now list? From your team brainstorming, create five simple rules, type them up, and have them somewhere visible to review — often.
One rule I recommend is: When in doubt, ask. If your child isn’t sure their phone should be used at a certain time or in a particular way, they should ask you. One rule we have is that our kids have to charge their phones in a designated space — and remain there overnight.
Less is more
Your rules should be simple, very clear, and set your child up for success. You can always change the rules in the future. Rules provide kids with expectations and security. Let your child know that if they can show responsible phone usage for a certain amount of time, you can consider more phone time or more access (say, to a certain app). Don’t hand your child a phone, even if they are mature and responsible, without firm boundaries.
Choose how you’ll monitor their phone usage
Once you decide the best way to monitor your child’s phone usage, let your child know you will be monitoring. There’s no reason to sneak around or try to trick your child. Be clear and honest, up front. Depending on the type of phone your child will be using and your service provider, it will help you narrow down the best way to keep an eye on what your child is doing. For example, we have to approve our kids’ contacts, and their phone won’t allow any calls or texts to come through that aren’t from the contact list.
Keep the lines of communication open
One of our kids’ phone rules is that they must tell us if they receive anything we’ve deemed (together) inappropriate. This includes gossip, a questionable photo, etc. We let our kids know that anything shared on a phone can be shared outside — and we want to make sure they understand the implications of sending and receiving inappropriate content. We also talk about how sometimes friends may ask them to keep secrets — information that should be shared with an adult for safety reasons. You can also watch videos on phone safety together.
Agree on consequences
Let your kids know that everyone makes mistakes, and having a phone for the first time will require them to make choices. If they make a wrong choice, by breaking a phone rule, what will the consequence be? Decide in advance, when both of you are calm and collected, so you can set a reasonable consequence. Be sure to include this on your phone rules sheet.
Having rules and consequences in writing is a great way to hold everyone accountable. I’m a firm believer that natural consequences teach the best lessons. For example, If you’ve set an hour-a-day phone limit, but your child goes 30 minutes over it, then the next day, you deduct 30 minutes off their time. Don’t go to drastic consequences, like use your phone too long, lose your phone for two weeks. What happens if your child loses or damages their phone? This is an important conversation to have up-front, as well.
Praise them
Once your child has a phone, with rules, consequences, and communication in place, be sure to praise your child for doing well. What are they doing right? How have they used their phone for good? For example, did they use some of their time to call and check on a grandparent? Did they research a cause, such as how to start food composting? Are they using a music app on their phone to enjoy while exercising? These are all positive behaviors that parents should acknowledge.
Handing your child their own phone is intimidating. Some parents just hand it over, without limits, which inevitably leads to many issues that are hard to go back and resolve. It’s OK for you to start your child out with more restrictions, see how they do, and offer more privileges in the future.
