As soon as I get my kindergartener strapped into her car seat, I know what’s coming. The question. The question she always asks. A question for me. That question.
“Mommy?” She blinks up at me sweetly with long-lashed eyes. “Can I have your… phone?”
“Honey, it’s a five-minute drive. You don’t need my phone,” I say.
“Please? Please? I’ll do extra chores!”
I start the five-minute drive to her school without responding. I’m so tired of explaining this to her. But as annoyed with her as I am, I’m twice as annoyed with myself. Because I’m the adult and I let this happen. I did this. I am Dr. Mommy, and she’s Mommy’s Monster.
I know she’s not the only kid obsessed with phones, and yes, all of the games I have on there for her are educational. But I worry. Sometimes when she’s playing and I say her name, she doesn’t respond because she’s so engrossed in the game. I’ve seen the exact same behavior in kids from kindergarten to college age. They get lost, zombies in the Phone Zone.
I also hear a lot of parents complain about their kids and their phones. My office mate takes her daughter’s phone from time to time and goes through all of the emails and messages. Others I know have had to order their kids to put their phones on a charger in their parents’ bedroom so they aren’t on it until 3 a.m.
So why do we keep giving our kids phones?
And why am I already wondering when to get one for my daughter?
Hell, I can’t believe I’m writing this, but I feel like my daughter getting a phone is… completely inevitable. So it’s not a question of if, but a question of when.
According to the Pew Research Center, the average age of kids getting their first phone is around 12 or 13. However, every kid is different, and there are a lot of considerations to mull over before deciding to give your offspring a phone.
Here’s what I’m thinking over:
1. What would my daughter need it for?
In this age of endless apps and games and social media, what do people actually need their phones for? It’s easy to ignore the actual usefulness of phones. As kids get older, they tend to have more after-school obligations and activities, yet they are not old enough to drive. Having a phone would allow my daughter to call me when she’s done with practice and needs a ride, etc. This could save us from the headache of miscommunication or waiting around for each other.
However, other kids may live close enough to school that they could just walk home after an activity or use public transportation. This could delay the need for a phone. Though, it should be noted that many schools no longer have a phone for students to use outside of school hours. Beyond scheduling, she could also use her phone to check homework assignments via her teacher’s website, check the weather, use GPS, track her fitness, even practice learning another language.
2. When will I know she’s mature enough for a phone?
This is another aspect that will vary based on each individual child. I believe my daughter will be mature enough for a phone when she understands how much phones cost and how to take care of her phone. I plan to be very explicit about the cost and make her aware that if it breaks, she’s not getting another one for a long, long time. You’d think that’s a given, but at the school where I work, I watched a spoiled child literally drop-kick his phone during PE when he was mad about the final score of the dodgeball game.
The other aspect of maturity regarding phone use is that my daughter understands the inherent risks of having a phone, whether that is texting and walking and not paying attention to traffic, or giving out personal information online.
3. How will I monitor her usage?
There’s a fine line between being engaged with what your child is doing online or with their phone, and being a straight-up snoop/Big Brother. All parents considering giving their kids phones need to come to terms with what level of monitoring they believe is necessary and whether they can commit to it.
Do you really have time to go through your child’s phone every night looking at emails and messages? I don’t know about you, but I can barely squeeze in time to get her to do a little kindergarten homework. It’s pretty tempting to install apps that allow you to see every little thing your child does on the phone (just to be safe!), but that invasion of privacy (or no expectation of it) is tricky. How much do you trust your child? What would it mean if they felt you had violated their trust? Personally, I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that.
4. What other considerations?
One thing I hear parents talking about is the horrific discovery that their child has been up until 3 in the morning on Snapchat. I feel that before I hand my kid a phone, I will draw up very clear rules and boundaries with directly connected consequences, and have those ready in advance before she gets her greedy little mitts on a device. At the same time, I want to give my daughter the chance to prove she can be responsible in her usage before I assume she won’t be.
Well, sounds like I’ve got a plan. Easy-peasy, right? Once my daughter’s situation meets the criteria, she’ll get the phone. No problem! Ugh. Well, at least we can play Among Us together…
