As a new mom, I knew I’d be exhausted. The sight of my pregnant belly coaxed the truth out of moms who’d been there before me, and I heard all the stories about the lack of sleep. What these moms didn’t pass on were the tales of the emotional fatigue. During my fourth trimester, my mental burnout was as real as the stretch marks on my post-preggo belly — but it didn’t occur to me to talk about it.
While I did have an overabundance of size 0 diapers, I didn’t have the ability to ask for any outside help. The fourth trimester saw me stepping into massive anxiety about being this “Insta-perfect mom.” I wish I’d set that unachievable image aside to use my words and talk with my husband about my feels. I’d have found a teammate to lean on — but I dropped the ball on that one. So, for you new moms out there, I’m picking up the ball and letting you in on the seven most important things I’d love to have discussed with my partner during those first months of motherhood:
1. Sleep deprivation is real
I was exhausted and therefore feeling, well … exhausted. I should’ve spoken more honestly about my fatigue so my partner could’ve “partnered up” and supported me in some much-needed power naps. We moms may look awake, but we’ve learned to nap with our eyes open so we don’t miss subtle cues from our infants.
2. The mom mental load is heavy
Baby schedules, work schedules, and worry schedules all piled up in my new mama brain. The invisible load doesn’t feel all that invisible, so partners of ours: Extend us new mamas some grace and ask how you can lighten the load.
3. Feeding a newborn is hard
The pressure to be that Insta-perfect mother seeped into how to perfectly feed my baby. I felt lost in a sea of “should’s and shouldn’ts” and what I needed most was my husband’s support (without judgment) on how to make “fed is best” our at-home mantra.
4. I'm not your mother
While I was certainly tired beyond belief those first months, I never lost my ability to hear. (In fact, it became my new superpower.) The subtle critiques my husband gave comparing my mothering style to his mother’s weren’t the greatest of confidence boosters. It should be known that I will not mother like his did, and that’s OK.
5. I need your help
My brain and body were totally overwhelmed and overworked. While I’m doing all the things, I moved from task to task, forgetting to ask for my partner’s help. So, please people — offer to jump in anyway because helping in the smallest of ways feels big when parenting a newborn.
6. Balance is everything
Trying to find that initial balance between motherhood and partnerdom was tricky. It was well into the fourth trimester when my husband and I finally understood it wasn’t the big date nights that kept us bonded, but the little connective moments throughout the day that kept our relationship healthy.
7. Let's be a team
I was ready to be a Super Mom and get it all done on my own. But the best lesson was learning to parent together. This sets the tone for a lifetime of teamwork when parenting the kid we love.
During the fourth trimester, I was that mom who pressed herself into trying to know it all. What I didn’t know was how to give myself a learning curve or a little compassion. Explaining my parenting ups and downs to my husband is now an important part of our relationship. It’s what continues to build bridges to a deeper understanding between us — it just took me a minute to understand that.
