I Had Postpartum Anxiety — but It Wasn’t in the First Three Months

I thought I was in the clear. I got through two newborn stages, I was all set, right? When there were two of them, and as they got older, it became a different story. I found myself quickly sliding into depression. It was like a terrible mood that never went away. The idea terrified me, and I knew that I needed to address it as soon as possible.

My freelance gig became an unpleasant chore as I struggled to balance a 4-year-old, a one-and-a-half-year-old, and sleep. The 4-year-old entered a phase where she constantly tested me and actively tried to pick fights. She stopped napping, and her moods swung wildly.

I was trying to work more, but my kids both wanted more attention. I was working myself ragged every naptime and bedtime because that’s the only time I could get to myself to write. On top of it all, I disliked the kind of writing that I was doing that working so hard to get it done was rough.

I was heading down a path to depression, which was new for me, and I needed to regain control. It is a terrifying thought, realizing that you may be depressed. It wasn’t something I thought would ever happen to me. While I am well versed in mood swings in relation to food, I was lost when food didn’t fix my problem. I tried carbs, which usually would give me a quick boost. I even tried frequent meals to keep my blood sugar stable, but it didn’t seem to make a difference like it used to.

You waste it. You take it for granted. Once kids come along, your schedule is no longer your own. Your life flips to two- to three-hour increments, dependent on sleeping and feeding times for the hangry monkeys.

I was a workaholic before I had kids. Add them to the mix, and I was burning myself out hard. It was like I never stopped working. Even while sleeping, my toddler still woke me up every few hours. My brain was constantly working.

During one particular week, I hit an all-time low. The anxiety of it all completely snuck up on me, and suddenly I was no longer taking joy in anything in my life. My husband helped me see that I was working too much and it was contributing to my anxiety. He was the one who noticed what was happening. I knew I needed to do something. I could not continue the slide downward. I was not yet too far gone, but I even lost my energy for dance parties with my kids, which was one of my favorite things.

I decided to let go of some things and figure out what really mattered to me: my kids, my marriage, and my career. It was a hard decision, but I let go of the copywriting gig I had for over four years. I felt liberated that I could then decide what topics I would be spending my time on.

I thought that it would never happen to me. While I thought reducing my stress would take care of what I was feeling, I found that it never really goes away. I still hit rough patches where my anxiety skyrockets. If you feel like this, make sure to talk to your spouse or a trusted friend. You may need to make an appointment with your doctor to address the problem.

By acknowledging what was happening, I was able to face it head on. Two years later, I still get anxiety from time to time, but I’m better at recognizing when I’m about to burn out. When I need to let some things around the house go for a day, my husband cleans without complaint. Some days, I watch a show alone during naptime instead of immediately working. Knowing myself better has helped immensely in navigating this stay-at-home/work-from-home world that is my life.

It could be working, washing dishes, making food, or cleaning. Often I forget it’s OK to slow down too, but I’m working on it. Just because you’re out of the newborn stage doesn’t mean you’re in the clear when it comes to anxiety and depression. Watch your moods, and make sure to give yourself a break or ask for help if you get overwhelmed. Taking time for yourself can be so hard, but it is also so important — for you and your family.