The list of dreams and goals I have for my life is a long one, but being a mom is all the way at the top. I always knew that no matter what I managed to accomplish in my career, none of it would really matter if I never had children — not moving to New York City by myself at 22 or finally becoming a writer and snagging bylines at the magazines I’d read as a teenager. And now that I finally am a mom, I don’t regret it for a second — even if it’s a pretty scary time to raise a kid.
Finding out I was pregnant in the fall of 2019 felt like a dream come true
But then, as I entered my third trimester, the world got a lot scarier. Of course, 2020 was bound to be an interesting year for a lot of reasons, but, like everyone else, I couldn’t have predicted exactly how interesting it would get. Suddenly, I was heavily pregnant in a pandemic. My baby shower was canceled, and so was my babymoon. I feared for my baby’s safety and didn’t leave the house unless it was to go to doctor’s appointments, and my husband took paternity leave early from the hospital where he worked to make sure he didn’t bring COVID-19 home to us.
So many other major issues seemed to be hitting a boiling point as my June due date grew closer: We seemed further than ever from achieving racial equality in the U.S., the wildfires raging on the West Coast were proof that climate change was all too real, and the pandemic was killing thousands of people daily.
How was I supposed to become a mom in this world?
Just as I welcomed my baby, more and more people were admitting they were second-guessing their decisions to have children. One morning, as I fed my baby before the sun came up, I scrolled past a Facebook post in a group I’d joined while I was trying to conceive my daughter.
“Is anyone else rethinking having kids right now?” the poster wrote. “We’ve paused our TTC journey because we don’t want to bring our kids into this world.”
So many of the responses agreed. Some said that whether or not they have children will depend on who wins the election, others said they’ve now chosen to adopt instead of having children biologically. Others admitted that the uncertainty of the fate of the planet has made them believe that it is selfish to have children, full stop — why bring more people into a world that may become inhabitable soon enough?
I was taken aback by the idea that having children is selfish, even now
To me, regardless of what’s going on in the world, having a child is one of the most selfless things someone can do. To sacrifice your own needs and wants for the needs and wants of someone else out of unconditional love and the hope of helping them grow and learn to be the best independent person they can be?
As moms, the list of things we give up for our children is long, but I’ve never met a mom who isn’t happy to have done it. Of course, there’s a little selfishness in how rewarding it is to have the love of our children in exchange for everything we do for them, to see them grow and learn new things because we taught them. But in the end, it’s all love.
Nothing would change the decision I made to have my daughter, even in 2020
The world is so scary right now, and everything is so uncertain. I don’t know what her childhood will look like. Five years from now, will kindergarten involve masks and distanced desks? I don’t even know if she’ll be able to safely have a first birthday party in the way that I always envisioned for her.
But even at four months old, she brings so much joy to my life. She has given me purpose in a year when I have felt so lost and so helpless. I can’t see how that can be a negative at a time when things can feel so dark and so heavy. She is the light.
First-time motherhood during a pandemic hasn’t been my favorite experience, but I don’t regret it — and I would always choose her, no matter the circumstances.
Our kids are the future, and they are who will make this world a better place
Things are difficult and scary right now, but one of the ways we can make it better is by raising children who will grow up to be compassionate, strong adults who will do what is right and stand up for what they believe in. I hope to raise a daughter who will use her privilege for good and who will be stronger because of the world she grows up in.
I can’t protect her from everything, but I do know that we owe it to our kids to give them a better future than the one they’re currently projected to inherit from us. Working to make that happen is so much more productive than giving up on future generations entirely.
