Christmas has always been my time. I’ve loved it since I was a kid, always wanting to start celebrating and decorating early, and I always get the post-holiday blues.
After my divorce though, I felt that slip away. I specifically remember that I thought it would be different. I was counting on the holidays to propel me downhill a bit after what had been the hardest year of my life. My ex-husband had moved out nine months prior, and I thought the holidays would be what would make me feel like myself again.
The thing about the holidays, though, is they are memory traps. They have a way of making you nostalgic, missing those you haven’t thought about in years and poking at all your feelings. It doesn’t matter if you wanted the split, are seeing someone new, feel happier now, or you are struggling day by day just to get by — the holidays have a way of screwing you up.
If you are facing your first holiday after a divorce, I want you to know some things:
You may struggle and feel off, even if you are in a good place
A new version of you is coming to the surface — how can it not? You are going through a huge life change. Change is hard and takes time getting used to. Give yourself grace. Have some bad days or moments without beating yourself up. It won’t help at all. It’s part of it. Accept it and know it will pass.
You don’t have to do anything that exhausts you
You don’t want to send out cards this year? Don’t. Maybe you don’t want to go to any holiday gathering or reach out to some of the friends the two of you had as a couple. That's OK. Your mental health comes first, and there are times when we take care of ourselves the best by saying no.
Your kids may struggle
This is hard to watch, and it is when your guilt might surface. Remember that you and your ex made a decision that was the best for the two of you, which will be the best for the kids in the long run. Kids are happier when they have two happy parents. There will be hard times, but ultimately, if the two of you are happier not being together, your kids will benefit from that far more than they would if you stayed together.
Make doing something nice for yourself a priority this year
Maybe that means you will plan a trip for later, or get your toes done. Buy those earrings you’ve been wanting, or plan a party. Whatever it is, make sure it’s something for you, because you deserve it.
It will get easier as the years go by
It’s not going to be this hard forever, and it doesn’t help to try and wish the pain away. Know this is normal and you are human.
You might not be able to have the same kind of holiday and that’s fine
All your kids need is a mother that loves them the best she can. Material things and manufactured moments don’t matter in the long run. Please don’t stress yourself out if there’s less under the tree. As time goes by, that’s not what your kids are going to remember anyway.
Don’t go through this alone if you don’t want to
Reach out to family, friends, a neighbor, or a coworker. People want to listen and they want to help. All it takes is a little bit of support and validation to boost us up a bit.
The holidays can be magical and wonderful, but they are also really tough for a lot of people. Remember, you have been through tough situations before and you have made it through each and every one. You can do this. I promise.
