When I was happily married, if there was a problem with finances or one of the kids, there was nothing that comforted me more than knowing I had another adult to share the angst with. Things just seemed more manageable when there were two of us to share the load.
Not only is there someone there to share responsibilities with, you’re able to relate to each other in a way you can with no one else because you’re going through the same thing and have made beautiful children together.
When that falls apart, whether you want the divorce or they do, it pushes you into becoming a completely different version of yourself. You start to realize mourning will become a part of your daily life, even if you were expecting to only feel freedom.
As a married mom, there was no way I could come close to knowing how any divorced woman felt because I haven’t lived it. It’s been over three years since my divorce and this is what I know:
1. The worrying is so much worse than when you were married
If one of your kids is acting up, you worry. If there’s a problem with the boiler, you worry. If you snapped at a fellow mom, you worry. If you get a strange rash, you worry.
Everything seems worse. It’s easy for people to sit on the sidelines and tell you it will all work out. Even if you believe it will, you know it’s all on you to figure it out. Your partner is gone and you are the one who has to do the heavy lifting as far as getting things squared away.
Then, you start to worry you aren’t doing enough.
Oh, and if things are going smoothly, you still lose sleep over things like what will happen if you die, lose your job, or you never find another partner again and you end up alone.
2. The hiding
You get really good at saying things like, ”I’m fine.” But you do it because you get sick of feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. You hide this from your kids because you don’t want to worry them. You hide this from your boss because you don’t want it to seem like you can’t handle your job.
There are even times you hide it from yourself because you are so damn tired of the pity party you’ve been having, so you slap on the mask and walk around for the day playing the Super Mom role until you are alone and feel safe enough to fall apart. Then, you wake up the next day and do it again.
3. The guilt tears you apart
Every time you drop off your kids, miss something fun they are doing, or feel like you need a break because you are a solo parent, you beat yourself up over and over. You want to be the best mom you can, but your heart is broken. You want to buy them things you can’t afford. You want to make everything better.
You are burning the candle at both ends and desperately feel like you need a break. Even when you know it’s the right thing to do so you can stay mentally healthy for your kids, it’s tough. Instead of having someone tell you it’s time for a break and some self investment, you have to start advocating for yourself and it never comes without a side of guilt.
4. It’s so damn lonely
Even if what you want is to be alone, this can have incredibly lonely moments. Sometimes this will hit you at bedtime when your kids aren’t home. It may come like a bullet when you watch a family cross the road when you are headed to the grocery store. It may hit you while you are on a date and you start to wonder if there will ever come a time when you will trust again and want to share your life with someone.
Holidays will be hard. There will be times when you’ll feel like you got an invite out of pity, or you won’t be able to handle being the only person at the gathering or meal without a plus one.
5. Your friends become your lifeline
Especially your divorced friends, they will be your people. The ones who pick you up if you need it. The ones who you’ll start to depend on more than ever. The ones you’ll desperately need advice from.
Your bonds will become tighter with those who are meant to be in your life, and you’ll know they were put in your life so you could get each other through this time.
6. You'll miss the way things used to be even if you don’t want to be with your ex any longer
It might be a song that comes on the radio, or seeing a couple you used to spend time with. Your kids might ask to look at pictures of them when they were young, or what would have been your wedding anniversary might bring some stuff up.
It doesn’t matter, it’s happened to all the divorced women I know, even if they were the ones who desperately didn’t want to be married any longer. There are divorce ghosts, and they don’t like to go away even if you think you’ve moved past it.
The hardest part of this is it can be confusing as hell and make you wonder if your missing them means you want them back.
7. Falling in love again is really freaking hard
Your trust chip has been busted. You may be bitter. You might not want someone else to see your body. You may think the fact you are now a woman with kids means it’s just too complicated.
You might find the person you’ve been looking for and not be ready, so you’ll sabotage a really good thing. You might let your insecurities, worries, or the fact you are finally feeling stronger get in the way and tell yourself you just don’t want to deal with anything extra.
It’s exciting to meet someone new, but it’s hard to face the fact that your relationship and the dynamic will never be what it was with your ex. It could be better, or it could be worse. But it won’t be the same, and that’s what scares people the most — the unknown.
8. You're finally able to give yourself the credit you deserve for making it through something hard
When you get to the other side (and you will get to the other side), you will be able to look back and realize how strong and brave you are. It’s always been there, but so many of us don’t know what we are capable of until we are thrown into a really hard decision. Divorce will do that to you over and over and over.
Being a divorced mother is a journey that’s always changing. Unless you’ve been through it, there’s no way to feel the emotions and feelings divorced women face every single day of their lives.
