Someone told me once that there’s no such thing as a toxic relationship or toxic people. It took me back, and I’m not afraid to say I strongly disagree with that. I think there can be two very good people who, when they come together, can have a toxic relationship. It doesn’t make them bad, it means that they aren’t able to have enough peace as a couple, even if they are in love.
I don’t know anyone who hasn’t described at least one toxic relationship or person in their life. We find unsettling relationships at work; we find them when we are looking for a partner or friends.
To me, the definition of a toxic relationship is when you’re in a relationship with someone and it doesn’t feel healthy. Your peace should always be more important than any relationship you have with another person.
My relationship with my mother was very toxic in high school. I didn’t recognize that until I was able to take space from her and start my own life. I realized I had to draw some boundaries and it changed me for the better even though it was — and still can be — hard.
I recently ended a romantic relationship that was toxic for me as well. I was with a man who had drinking issues he wasn’t willing to work on, and would constantly go back on his word. Instead of walking away, I over-functioned in the relationship to try to save it. I was only hurting myself by doing that.
Here are some things I’ve learned about getting out of (or taking space from) toxic relationships:
Remove all triggers
I don’t care if you have a pillow that reminds you of them and makes you sad, or if a certain food you eat brings you down. Get rid of that thing instead of thinking you have to conquer it. You do not have to keep anything in your life that keeps bringing up old feelings.
That includes blocking and deleting people on social media and your phone.
You don’t owe them an explanation, and you don’t have to care what they are going to think if they find out you’ve blocked them. Hell, you don’t even have to know them. If there’s a certain account you follow that makes you feel less than or makes you think about things you don’t want to think about, remove it.
Stop talking to them, even if it’s just for a bit
I say for a bit because it can feel too hard to tell ourselves that we have to completely remove them from our lives. I realize that’s not always possible. You may have an ex who is very toxic yet you have to co-parent with them.
Taking a break from communication with someone can let you see how anxious or worked up they make you. The arguing can also be addictive, and some people crave that release without even knowing it. There were times when I’d be arguing with my ex, thinking I had to respond to him. It took a while to realize I didn’t, and I was in a more peaceful place because of it. Like anything, it takes practice. It’s OK to ignore a toxic person. I can’t recommend it enough.
Find a support person
You are going to need to talk this through. You are going to have highs and lows even if you know you need to get out of something and are healthier for it. You are going to have some type of withdrawals. Trust me on this.
My best friend has been that person for me, and instead of sitting and overthinking the situation, or being tempted to reach out or respond to my ex, it feels good to know I can contact her. Doing something to work through your feelings is powerful. And talking them out with someone who will not judge you will always make you feel better.
I know cutting someone out of your life isn’t black and white
There are many gray areas, and it can be extremely heartbreaking, even if you know it’s for the best.
These three steps have always helped me center myself and allowed me to focus more on myself instead of trying to fix the relationship. Sometimes no matter how hard we try, we can’t fix it. It’s extremely liberating when you realize you’re moving on from a toxic relationship, and it opens a lot more doors for positivity to come into your life.
It’ll be worth it, I promise.
