I saw a post on my ex-friend’s feed the other day. She looked lovely and vibrant. She was smiling next to a handsome man. The ocean was in the background and I got a twinge of nostalgia.
She and I used to meet for lunch and browse stores. We’d call each other on the nights we didn’t have kids — sometimes getting together for nachos and sometimes simply talking for hours.
She was my divorced mom friend. The one who showed me how to swipe on the dating apps and gave me the dirt on some of my old high school friends I hadn’t seen in a while.
We'd trade fashion and sex advice
She talked me into getting up the courage to shave my lady parts when I got back into dating. I’d told her I wanted to but I didn’t dare because I was afraid of what I’d see down there after having a few kids. She sent me a link to pictures of all different kinds of vulvas, assuring me the man I was meant to be with literally wouldn’t care and I should shave if I wanted to.
However, a few months into our friendship, I realized my phone would ring a lot — even if I told her I had a lot of work to do and would get back to her. She’d call or text if she knew I was on a special date with one of my kids or if I was with another friend.
It began to feel like she wasn’t respecting my time. She’d get mad if I didn’t get right back to her. Our date nights turned from easy-breezy to her desperately wanting to do something with someone — anyone, so she wouldn’t have to be alone. She never traveled my way, yet always wanted me to make the 40-minute drive to her.
In a nutshell, I began to feel taken advantage of
I wondered if she even valued my friendship or if she just wanted someone to fill the void when she didn’t have a date with a man or another friend. So I asked her about it. I was honest with my feelings, but I wasn’t rude.
She apologized and seemed horrified. I understood because as a single mom myself, I knew the struggles it came with. There are times you are just in survival mode.
Then, it happened again
And again.
I met a man and fell for him fast. She was there to listen for a few minutes before quickly changing the subject to her — she was miserable, lonely, didn’t have any money and was having a really hard time.
I stopped talking about myself and was there for her whenever I could be.
But again, she was asking for too much of me. My phone would blow up. She’d call me at 7 a.m. crying about something on the regular.
I became quiet, not really knowing how to handle the situation and decided I needed to talk to her again. I explained I was so busy with my kids, work, and my new relationship, I simply couldn’t be her sounding board as much as she wanted me to. Then, I brought up the fact she never came to see me or even wanted to hear what was going on in my life.
She blew up a bit and told me I was just too focused on my relationship and she felt as though I was dumping her.
That was two years ago and we have not talked since
I always thought I’d let her cool off before I reached out, but the truth is, I didn’t miss her. In fact, I felt a lot more calm and peaceful after we stopped talking and wondered why I had continued the friendship as long as I had.
I guess I kept thinking things would change and go back to the way they were when we first met and bonded over the fact we were both in a place in our lives we never thought we’d be — single with kids and making a life on our own.
Looking at her seemingly happy photo, I did miss her. I missed our chats, I missed the nachos, I missed asking her what I should wear on my date.
But you can miss someone and not want them in your life anymore. You can miss someone and know the gap they left will be filled by something that feels healthier.
Yes, I miss her, but do I regret that I ended our friendship?
I don’t.
There are people who are meant to be in our lives but that doesn’t mean they have a permanent place there. She is one of those people for me and I can appreciate the time we had together without wanting the friendship back.
