I met a man three years ago on Tinder and it was lust and chemistry at first sight. All of that grew into love in the following months, and after going through my divorce, damn, it felt good. He got along with my kids, they liked him a lot, and it wasn’t long before he was welcomed into our tribe. I felt like I had overcome a huge hurdle, because as a mother to three teenagers who are hard to please, I didn’t know if anyone would fit into our lives.
As we got to know each other and grew more comfortable together, I noticed he drank more than I was comfortable with. He justified it by going stretches without drinking but, when he was in the mood to get drunk, he would skip dinner and just drink. He would order or make a drink while his current one was half full. He’d talk about drinking a lot, and he’d put going out and drinking with his friends before our relationship.
In the early days, I didn’t say anything
I wondered if I was too old and boring. I wondered if I needed to lighten up. I wondered if what I needed to do was to make myself seem more fun so he wouldn’t leave me for someone who likes partying more than I did.
While I’m fine with having an occasional drink, I only like to have one or two at the most. I had made it the center of my plans, and my “fun” in college and my 20s, but I can’t be a good mother, do well at my job, and take care of myself if drinking (even only one or two) becomes a nightly — or even a weekly — thing.
Then, one of his friends spilled the beans by saying, “You were so wasted that night!”
This was a night I wasn’t with him, but I knew he’d driven home
When I asked him about it, he admitted he had driven home drunk and it was a mistake. My heart sank, and I told him I really hoped it wasn’t a regular thing, but deep down I had a feeling it was.
I voiced my concerns about his drinking, and he told me he’d cut way back — which he did for about a month before he went back to his old ways. We’d fight, I’d plead with him, and he’d promise to do better. This cycle continued for two years. Then he got a DUI one night after driving home from the bar. He was so intoxicated he couldn’t even blow in the breathalyzer, and he mouthed off to the police officer who pulled him over, which took away his chance at getting a suspended worker’s driving license.
He lost his license for eight months. He spent the night in jail. He was worried about his business, his relationship with his kids, and how I would react because he knew this had been a point of contention with us. He also knew he’d lied to me several times about drinking and driving.
He was so remorseful
He swore he’d be sober for the rest of his life. He promised me, my kids, and his kids. I stuck with him because I wanted to believe him more than anything and thought our relationship would be so great if he could just stop drinking. I wanted to be enough to make him stop, and so I gave him this chance.
After seven months, he started drinking again. We were on vacation in Mexico and I heard him order a drink while I was in the bathroom. Then, he lied to me about it when I came out and asked him what he was drinking. I knew then I had to end things because I didn’t want to go through all the fighting again. But more importantly, I couldn’t trust him since he’d gone back on his word to me and the kids.
He didn't think I would leave and had a really hard time
I heard from him a lot and it was excruciating. After two months of talking, and more promises about swearing-off drinking forever, he promised me this would be it – he’d never let me down and we’d have a great life. Again, I wanted with everything in my soul to believe him. My kids missed him and wanted me to give him another chance.
When we got back together, he took them each aside and promised he wouldn’t let them down. He later confessed something else to me: He had a gambling addiction that had gotten out of control. He’d blown $15,000 of his savings while we were broken up. I knew he had a gambling problem in the past, but he’d told me he went to Gamblers Anonymous meetings and he didn’t gamble any longer, which was another lie – he’d been online gambling the entire time we were together and I had no clue.
I told him this was a lot for me, and I really thought he needed therapy, support groups, and lots of time to work on himself. He wanted me to simply take his word for it. “I will earn back your trust each day by not gambling and not drinking. I will do it, I promise.”
Our toxic cycle tried to continue, but I put a stop to it after finding out he started drinking again. I told him this was it, that I wanted him out of my life. “Just because I had a few drinks?” he asked, like I had landed a bomb on him.
This is how it happens – toxic relationships that seem to go in circles and nothing gets better. It was, by far, the most tumultuous relationship I had ever been in, and as soon as I got out of it, I wondered why I had stayed so long.
Now I know why
Yes, I loved him. But the real answer as to why I stayed is this: I wanted to be enough for him. I wanted him to love me enough to quit his destructive lifestyle. I wanted him to care about me more than he cared about gambling and drinking.
But the truth is, it doesn’t work that way. My ex’s issues have nothing to do with me. It wouldn’t have mattered how much I put up with, how many chances I gave him, how fun I was, what I looked like, or how much I set boundaries.
Someone else’s issues, problems, addictions, or behaviors are theirs
They are not yours. There is nothing you can do to fix them because they have to be willing to fix them themselves.
It’s not easy to walk away from someone you love, but it’s a lot easier than staying and knowing you deserve someone who is willing to do the work on themself. Not for you, but for them. Because really, that is the best gift you can give someone you love.
