Splitting Upward: Episode 4
I wish I'd had the Splitting Upward podcast to listen to while I was going through my divorce. This week, co-hosts Jesenia and Julie's special guest, Jonna Spilbor, is a divorce attorney who offers some great advice about getting the whole process started, which can be the kick in the pants you need.
Let's face it, divorce is a long process and many of us are in for a long road whether we realize it or not. It's best to have some foresight before diving in — something I certainly wish I'd had more of it.
I thought when my ex-husband and I started the process, my feelings would be cut and dry when the papers were signed. We divorced a few months after he moved out and the process was easy for both of us — we didn't fight, argue, or go back and forth about money or custody agreements. So, because of how easy the process was, and because we were still friends, I thought I'd get over the fact that our 16-year marriage was over a lot more quickly.
The hardest thing about divorce? The feelings that never go away
I was wrong. After signing the papers, I kind of thought that would be it, but that wasn't it. I'd have a stretch of great days buy something really turned and churned inside me: I started to mourn who we used to be. I missed family time, and dropping off my kids with my ex went from being hard to excruciating.
I guess I thought the hardest part would be the beginning, when I was getting used to parenting alone, sleeping alone, and having a quiet house on the weekends.
I didn't know what I was in for after the newness wore off and being a divorced woman became my new normal. And now, over two years later, I've learned something: The grief, guilt, shame, and sadness after divorce never goes away.
It ebbs and flows and hits you one afternoon, when you're pushing your grocery cart and you smell the fresh bread from the bakery, and it reminds you of an Italian restaurant you used to visit together.
You have times when you ex drops your kids off and stays a bit too long and you think, I'm so glad we aren't married anymore. Then, you look in the fridge a few minutes later to see you are out of milk and suddenly, all you want is something comfortable and familiar to take the edge off.
You still remember your anniversary and what your wedding day was like. You still wish for the happy times and you still beat yourself up over the bad times even though you know full well it takes two to make a relationship work.
Divorce is the beginning of the rest of your life
Joanna said something in the podcast that I decided to write down and stick to my fridge so I could see it every morning: "Divorce marks the end of your marriage, but it’s also the beginning of the rest of your life. And how do you want the rest of your life to look?”
I can sit and sulk and endlessly go over the things I should have done differently when I am missing my kids, as long as I don't camp out there and make my divorce an excuse to not pursue my dreams, other relationships, and work on myself.
Who’s making me happy? Me.
These days, I feel like the sky is the limit because my divorce allowed me to try so many things — from taking a trip alone to leaning how to change a light fixture. Things I never would have done if I was still married.
It's shown me just how capable I am to me make me happy without depending on a partner because, yes, I'm the only one in charge here. How my life turns out is up to me.
I don't want to spend it in sadness, or think I can't "do relationships." I want to take what I've learned from my marriage — and my divorce — and use the lessons for the second half of my life — because no one else is going to do it for me. And I deserve the best life I can create for myself.
Listen to Episode 4 of Splitting Upward:
