If you are a single mom, your life simply isn't the same as your married friends'. And, if you are a married mother who has never been through divorce, or experienced what it's like to be a single parent, it's really hard to identify with your single friends.
I've been on both sides of the wall, and now as a single parent to three kids, there are certain things I never could have understood until my life took a turn and I went through my divorce. Here are 10 things that single moms want you to know.
1. Our time with our kids is precious
No, we simply cannot drop things to meet you on a night when we have our children. Sure, there might be special occasions when we can make it work, but it takes a lot of pre-planning on our part. Not to mention, we don't get to see them as much as we used to. Our first priority is to soak up every second with them.
When you have kids, you realize that you can't get time back with them. That feeling is magnified when you share custody and only see them part of the time.
2. Being a part-time parent isn't 'lucky'
Sure, we have more time on our hands, if we are co-parenting. We get a break. We get to sleep in on the weekends when we don't have our kids, and we have more free moments to clean or to dye our hair.
But, there's a trade-off. It's called emptiness. Staying busy is our way of trying to fill a void. Because even if we enjoy the downtime, some of us still miss our kids so much that it's physically painful.
3. This is the hardest job ever
There is no backup. There isn't another adult in the house to discuss the big issues with. When a child is sick or acting up, it's all on you. You are expected to juggle it all — work, kids, self-care, taking care of your home — without the help of a partner.
Some single parents don't have financial help, and they can't risk losing their job. Some single parents have such a demanding career that they feel as if they aren't being the best parent.
There's no one there to pick up the slack. There's no one to call to bring milk or toilet paper home. This job is gritty, and you are exhausted all the time.
4. We aren't ignoring you
If you go a stretch without hearing from us, hang in there and don't give up. We are busy, stretched thin. There are times we feel so fragile that we don't want to burden anyone, so we stay silent.
Don't be afraid to be a little pushy. Send another text. Ask us how we're doing again. If we say "fine," and you aren't buying it, tell us.
5. It's not easy to join your family event
We are alone on holidays and sometimes long weekends. The invites are really nice, and we appreciate them. There are times when we decline simply because it's too hard to see other happy families on these occasions. It brings up memories for us and is a reminder of things we've lost. Please keep asking, though.
6. We are lonely
Even if we have the kids a lot of the time, and family members around to help, we are lonely. Either we miss the connection of having a partner, or we've never had it and feel its absence.
There are times we feel as if we're the only one going through this situation, especially if all of our friends are partnered, and it's a lonely feeling.
7. We are mourning
Maybe we wanted the split, maybe we didn't. Maybe we want another partner, maybe we don't. It doesn't matter. Every single parent is mourning something. Maybe it's the days they spent with their family — or the family they thought they'd have.
It takes time to learn how to live a new life and adjust to changes, even if the changes are for the better. The mourning comes in waves and hits in moments when we least expect it. We need to talk about it sometimes and crave a safe space to do it, without judgment.
8. We don't have tolerance for BS
We don't have as much time or tolerance for things in our lives that don't feel good. We are tired, we have limited time, and we are thinking about all the things that need to be done all the time. There's no respite and absolutely zero bandwidth for added drama or people in our lives who don't have good intentions.
9. This is scary
There are days, even for longtime single parents, when we are really, really scared. It could be a huge financial obstacle, a problem with our child's behavior, or the fact that we struggle with the unknown and won't be able to put our finger on what's wrong.
We wonder about our future and if we will be single forever. We wonder if our kids worry about us and, we try to put on a poker face so they won't. And when we do fall in love again, we wonder if it will last because we've seen what can happen.
We may have some anxiety that you might think is just us overreacting, but it's real, raw, and extremely hard to manage.
10. Yes, you can do this
If you are thinking of leaving a partner but are staying because the thought of being a single parent scares you, please know that you are capable. Yes, it's scary and hard, and you will need time, but you can do it.
Hard times have a way of showing you what you are made of. If you are holding onto something that is making you unhappy because it feels safe, believe me, you are ignoring a whole new world that can be better than you've ever imagined.
Even with all the angst my divorce has caused, at my core, I am a happier person and my ex-husband is a happier person — and, because of that, our kids are happier.
