Adoptive Parents Deserve a Baby Shower, Too

During our first adoption journey, I had friends and family host not one, but four baby showers for us. These celebratory events were so beautiful and important to me for a variety of reasons. Perhaps you know someone who is choosing to build their family by adoption, or maybe it is you who is adopting. Either way, adoptive parents absolutely deserve a baby shower.

I firmly believe that first and foremost, a baby shower helps a new or hopeful adoptive parent feel like a “real” parent. Society pushes the idea that biological parent-child relationships, that having your “own” baby, is superior to adoption.

Adoptive moms often feel different or othered among other moms

When they rattle on about stretch marks, birth plans, and peeing in the middle of the night, an adoptive-mom-to-be can feel uncomfortable. Her experiences aren’t their experiences — they are other in the same circle. A shower helps a person who is in the process of adopting or has already adopted embrace true parenthood.

Adoptive moms, just like biological moms, can enjoy the process of preparing for their child. Registering for baby items, putting together a nursery, and packing up a diaper bag are all “real mom” things. Yes, adoptive moms “nest,” too. Being prepared is part of the emotional journey a mom goes through as she inches closer toward bringing her baby home.

Our homestudy was complete, that is, the fingerprinting, background checks, home inspection, references, and interviews. We were officially a waiting adoptive family. It was time to create a baby registry, due date unknown.
While waiting to adopt our first child, I registered for gender-neutral items, like sheep and lamb nursery bedding, green and yellow sleepers, and of course, tons of essentials like diapers and bottles.

It was odd registering at stores with no baby in tow or no pregnant stomach obviously protruding, but also quite exciting

The reality was settling in. However, we were ever-mindful that we were preparing to adopt a baby who wasn’t yet ours and whose parents could, at any point, choose to raise their child. We were not entitled to the child, even one we were “matched” with.

Adoption is an emotional, bittersweet, complicated process, so we made sure to stay in our lane. Our first shower celebration was called our “waiting-for-baby” shower, not a shower for a particular child we hoped to adopt. This first event was held in a church fellowship hall, with many of our family, friends, and even a former college teacher present. We played silly games, ate heavily frosted sheet cake, and opened stacks of gifts. It was the first time many had attended a shower for an adoptive mom — myself included. The two hours flew by. I kept every single card I received, sticking them in a photo album.

Our second shower was hosted by all my gym friends, and it was a total surprise. One woman gave me a homemade blanket crocheted with soft, white yarn. I opened outfits, board books, and diapers. It was an intimate, lovely occasion.

Our third shower came after our baby was placed with us

She was a month old when she rested in my husband’s arms while I opened gifts in front of his family. Once my husband was off paternity leave, his coworkers and boss held a surprise shower for us at their office.

Each shower was meaningful and part of the journey to embrace our new identity as a family of three and a family by adoption. Though adopting is certainly a different, nontraditional way of building a family, it is no less important and meaningful. Having a shower helped us step into our roles as mom and dad, celebrating the arrival of our long-awaited child.