When someone learns that our kids were adopted and that we have open adoptions — that is, ongoing relationships — with their biological families, we’re met with a myriad of reactions. Some ask if our kids are confused, if they have problems knowing who their “real” parents are with so many parents involved. The short answer is no.
We’ve been open with our kids about their adoptions since the day they came home with us. We’ve answered all of their questions. When we didn’t have the answers, we have the benefit of asking their biological family members for information.
Regardless of our open adoptions, many adoptees have two parents of the same gender (or more)
In my kids’ cases, each has a biological father (also called “first father” or “birth father”) and then my husband, their dad who adopted them. For clarity, my kids don’t call their dad their “adoptive dad,” but sometimes we do refer to ourselves as “adoptive parents”, depending on the context.
Many people want to put my kids’ fathers into categories that make them comfortable. There’s an assumption that there’s an invisible competition between birth and adoptive fathers. Let me clear the air and say, in our cases, there isn’t a competition. We value birth father involvement — and we recognize that no matter what, our kids have two fathers.
Now, my husband and my kids’ first dads do not play the same roles in our children’s lives
My husband, known as Dad, is with the kids every day doing all of the things. He’s reading bedtime stories, taking the kids to appointments and sports practices, talking them through situations, and helping prepare their meals. He’s teaching them how to get the kitchen cleaned up, how to nurture, and how to karate chop scrap wood.
Some assume this is a “real dad,” but the truth is that my kids didn’t start with us. They had and still have a first, biological, birth father — some of whom are active in our current lives. They’re available by text, and we visit them a few times a year. One has been to our home.
These sacred relationships can puzzle outsiders who can't grasp how it’s possible for a child not to choose between fathers
I understand our relationships don’t make sense to some. However, they work for us. Our kids see unity between their parents — adoptive and first — and I hope one day can see that we all did what we thought was best.
When we started our adoption journey 15 years ago, we read and learned as much as we could about open adoption. We understood from our adoptee friends— that is people who were adopted — that ongoing relationships can be wonderful when they are healthy, unified relationships. The goal is to always do what’s best for the adoptee in their situation, keeping in mind what they want and need.
Because we chose to embrace the reality, that adoption is complex and bittersweet, but that we had the power to make it as good for our children as possible, we believe we’re making the right choice. My husband isn’t competing with our kids’ biological fathers — all because he chose not to start some sort of ranking system, one with a winner and a loser. We want to all be in it to win it. What I mean is, we all want what’s best for our shared child.
