There is a fine line between rational and irrational fears. A dad went to Reddit to ask for advice about his wife's behavior regarding his ability to hold their infant daughter. The dad is admittedly clumsy, and his wife is using this as reason to keep him from holding their daughter. He fears she's being controlling, but many commenters think there's a much bigger issue behind his wife's behavior.
More from Mom.com: I Had Postpartum Anxiety and Didn't Know It
He gave some background, so commenters could get the full picture
"My wife always complains about how clumsy I am. I do drop things by accident when my hand hits it unknowingly and so I do agree with her. But it's not that bad that I'm knocking over things every day," he began. "I really just laughed this off before when my wife brought it up but during the pregnancy she often started to say how she won't let me hold the child because of how clumsy I am. Again, I laughed it off at times and sometimes when I did take it seriously I told her there's a difference between knocking over the TV remote and dropping a kid from your arms."
When his daughter was born, things got serious
"But then my child was born and I was shocked at how reluctant she was to even let me hold the baby in the hospital. I suddenly saw her panicking when I was even around the baby. It caused a lot of fights and they've continued till now. It's been a couple of months and I have not been able to hold my baby more than thrice including once when I held her at the hospital," he continued.
"She now sleeps in the other bedroom with the baby and doesn't even let me hold my own daughter even if I am sitting on the bed where there wouldn't even be a remote chance of her ever getting hurt even if I dropped her. She almost never leaves our daughter alone with me. I suggested I'd use a child carrier to take her on walks but she refuses that too, often times suggesting that I'd tip over and fall face first. I think she is overreacting and I have also suggested going to therapy together but all she said about the suggestion is 'Talking wont fix your body.' She keeps telling me that I'll be the reason that our child would die if I ever held her and as a father I should realize how dangerous it is and comply with her. All this has really affected me and I've become a lot more self conscious. Every time I mess up doing something, she tells me that it's proof that what she's saying is right."
Her concern over him dropping their daughter is negatively impacting their relationship
"I'm a calm person and a pacifist at most times. Even during our fights I've tried to reason with her, find a middle ground but I've realized that there isn't any. I love my wife and my child more than myself. but I cannot continue this considering how I can't even hold my own child, play with her, take her on walks, etc.," he said.
"Day before yesterday's night, after a fight I snuck into her bedroom after my wife was asleep. I went to my daughter, I didn't hold her, I just held her hand and looked at her. I was emotional and I did whisper a few things to her (not that she could hear or understand because she was fast asleep). But this woke my wife up who was right beside her. She screamed at first and then told me to leave the room immediately. I told her that I was not going to hold her and that I was just there to see her and hold her hand. But she didn't believe me and accused me of being ignorant and selfish. I did lose my temper too and I offloaded these entire two months of frustration onto her."
"I feel terrible about how I acted that night. And I'm staying at a hotel as she told me to leave the next morning. I wasn't in a mood to argue either so I quietly left. I cannot seem to get over any of what has happened. And even though it hurts so much, I think I am going to part ways," he ended the post.
Many of the commenters think this is a mental health issue, not a control issue
Many people in the comments agreed that the wife's behavior was extreme, and a lot of them suggested that she may be going through postpartum anxiety.
"I used to work on inpatient mental health wards, primarily the mum and baby ward. Your wife is showing some concerning signs of postpartum anxiety. I’d give your health visitor/midwife/doctor a call and express your concerns before the anxiety manifests itself in more harmful ways. Although preventing a father from bonding and caring for his child is harmful already."
"Kinda sounds like she has postpartum anxiety or psychosis. Can you talk to her doctor and explain what's been happening?"
"I hope this doesn't get buried. I WAS your wife, after and before I had my child with untreated mental illness related to the baby, so I'm saying this with all my heart to you, PLEASE HELP HER. HELP HER TO HELP THEM BOTH. My husband almost left, several times, but got me help instead. Boy was I resistant, and livid, but I'm better now. If he hadn't helped, I don't know what would have happened, I'd probably not even understand why he left and still be so angry at him. There might be no way to help your wife, but she is obviously sick and she and your baby need you more than they know or are able to express. So it might feel thankless but, i think getting her help is the right thing to do."
"You really need to contact your wife's doctor, because this sounds like postpartum mood disorder, or anxiety disorder, and it needs to be treated or else it's not safe for her to parent your child."
Postpartum anxiety isn't as widely discussed
While many people know about postpartum depression, many do not realize postpartum anxiety is also something that can happen after giving birth. According to the Cleveland Clinic, screening for postpartum anxiety doesn't have a specific course of action, so it's easy for medical professionals to miss it. But they say that studies have shown that between 11% and 21% of women are affected by the condition.
