When my first child was 4 days old, I took him over to a friend’s house for a visit. It felt wonderful to get out of the house for a bit even though I was so tired I didn’t know what day it was.
As we sat on the sofas across from each other, she insisted that my sleeping son, who was in his portable car seat, be on her side of the room. “I want to see him,” she said. I’d already asked her not to pick him up because I didn’t want to risk waking him up.
The anxiety started building in my chest
I was only a yard or so away from my son, but it felt like a mile. Then her dog started sniffing at my baby and I couldn’t take it anymore. I got up and sat with his car seat on my lap for the rest of the visit, which I cut short.
My friend was talking to me, catching me up on her life, but I couldn’t hear a word she was saying. All I could do was think about how I could protect him if the dog got close again.
This was the first time I’d ever felt anything like that in my life
I knew I was tired and overwhelmed and my hormones were out of whack, but my thoughts didn’t stop there: I always had to double- and triple-check that all the windows in his room were locked when I put him to bed. Even if he was sleeping soundly, I checked on him several times, putting a mirror up to his mouth to make sure he was breathing.
The first time I left his side was when he was almost 9 months old and my husband and I went out to lunch. My sister came to watch him, and I trusted her with all my heart. But I was a mess the entire time and cut the date short so I could go home.
These feelings were worse at night, yet they were always lingering.
This was almost 20 years ago, and I didn’t know what was wrong with me but I knew it was something
I wasn’t sad or depressed, but I worried all the time and had horrible thoughts about something happening to him. When I talked about it with other people, I got a lot of lectures about how I had to “cut the cord.” I never asked my doctor about it because I felt embarrassed and ashamed, and I thought maybe I was just too overprotective.
I know now that I had postpartum anxiety (PPA)
PPA is a condition that causes you to worry, fidget, have racing thoughts, and can disrupt your sleep. It most commonly occurs in women right after they give birth and can last for up to a year.
PPA is more common than postpartum depression (PPD), but we know less about it.
It’s important to recognize the difference between PPA and PPD
According to Everymom.com, “While PPA and PPD can manifest in similar ways, the main difference is that PPA is characterized by intense levels of worry, and PPD is overwhelming sadness and possible thoughts of self-harm or harming your baby.”
As a mother of three who experienced PPA with each child and feels it never completely goes away (I have three teenagers), my advice is to not do what I did and stay quiet because you feel you are abnormal. You are not.
PPA and PPD can happen to anyone
If you are feeling like you have a mood disorder of any kind, you must talk to a medical professional who can help you. There’s no need to suffer or keep your feelings to yourself.
Document your thoughts and feelings by writing them down. Talk to your partner and ask for support.
Just because the baby blues affects about 80% of new moms, it doesn’t mean you need to try to push through it if you think there’s something more serious going on. Reach out for help.
*Disclaimer: The advice on Mom.com is not a substitute for consultation with a medical professional or treatment for a specific condition. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem without consulting a qualified professional. Please contact your health-care provider with questions and concerns.
