As a new mom, you’re likely already juggling middle-of-the-night feedings, a serious lack of sleep, and a constant stream of “advice.” You’re probably just starting to get a feel for how tough having even ONE child can be. So when someone asks how many kids you should have, it might feel like an impossible question.
But it’s one that economists, sociologists, and parents alike have tried to answer with surprising insights.
Bryan Caplan, economist and dad of four, thinks parents are the ones making parenting harder than it needs to be. In his book Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids (2011), he explains that a lot of what we stress about, like elite preschools, endless extracurriculars, and packed sports schedules, don’t actually make a huge difference in our child’s long-term success.
If we dropped some of the pressure and perfectionism, Caplan suggests that raising more kids might actually be more enjoyable than we expect.
That might sound unrealistic in American culture, where two kids is still considered the “ideal.” According to a 2023 Gallup poll, 45% of Americans say two is the perfect number, while 26% say three. This isn’t just about personal preference. It’s about what society is set up to support.
Cars, hotel rooms, and even many parental leave policies tend to default to families of four. Once you go beyond that, the logistics (and the costs) can get trickier.
But when it comes to parental happiness, the data is mixed.
A German study published in Demography found a temporary boost in happiness for parents going from one to two kids (especially for fathers), but the happiness faded over time (Myrskylä & Margolis, 2014).
Other research in the U.S. has shown that single-child parents sometimes report the highest life satisfaction (Nelson et al., 2014).
So where does that leave you? Right where you are, figuring out what works for you. Maybe you always dreamed of a big, bustling household. Maybe you’re already feeling fulfilled with an only child. Or maybe the idea of having kids at all wasn’t always a given and that’s completely OK, too.
Experts agree that what matters most isn’t the number of kids, but whether your family size matches your emotional availability, your financial bandwidth, and your support system.
Brad Wilcox of the University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project points out that families with strong social and financial support tend to thrive with more children, while smaller families may be a better fit for those with fewer resources (Wilcox, 2023).
There’s also the reality that life doesn’t always go as planned.
About 40% of American women in their 40s and 50s reported having fewer children than they wanted to, often due to later-in-life marriages, fertility issues, or changing circumstances (GSS, 2018). That kind of mismatch can be emotionally challenging and it’s more common than many people realize.
On the flip side, some people choose to stop at one child or opt out of parenting altogether, and they feel completely fulfilled. Sociologist Kei Nomaguchi notes that the shift from zero to one child is huge.
It changes how you spend your time, how you spend your money, and how your social life functions (Nomaguchi, 2022). That transformation may feel completely worth it to some people and too overwhelming to others.
Ultimately, there’s no “perfect” number of kids for any one family.
The best number is the one that fits your lifestyle, your mental health, your dreams, and your reality. Whether that means raising an only child, embracing the chaos of a big family, or deciding that parenthood isn’t your path after all, it’s all valid.
One, four, or none, your ideal family size is the one that leaves room for love, joy, and enough energy to enjoy the journey.
