I’ve had anxiety since I was a child, and I was formally diagnosed in my 30s. Interestingly, what I was told about how to deal with my anxious thoughts when I was young is not that much different than now. Unfortunately, there are still stigmas surrounding mental health, making it difficult for those of us who have it to cope day to day.
The reality is that anxiety is just as serious and legitimate as a physical ailment. Anxiety can be debilitating and exhausting, a relentless disorder. If you want to be supportive, please don’t say these things:
Take a chill pill
First up, there’s the classic rhyme. I was — and still am — told that I need to “just take a chill pill.” Ironically, there are chill pills also known as anxiety medications. When people refer to the ever-flippant “chill pill,” they imply that somehow anxiety is a choice — a switch I can turn on and off. The reality is, those of us with anxiety can’t use all the willpower in the world to suddenly and drastically stabilize. Not even a Xanax works that fast.
Have you tried yoga, essential oils, a vegan diet?
Yoga is amazing. It can help with strengthening, flexibility, relaxation, and mindfulness. However, when someone is in the midst of a panic attack, they can’t just drop everything and get into cobra pose. Now yoga can be used proactively, but it’s not a go-to when an anxiety attack hits full-force. The same goes for dietary advice and essential oils. Peppermint, for example, has been shown to have a relaxing effect, but it’s not a cure.
Don’t worry
Think about a time when you were seriously worried, like when your child was ill. When has someone telling you not to worry ever reduced your worry? Of course the answer is never. Telling someone with anxiety, a condition they live with all of the time, to stop worrying is dismissive and possibly causes more worry.
Calm down
Just like “don’t worry” and “take a chill pill,” telling someone with anxiety to simply “calm down” isn’t helpful. Again, anxiety cannot be tamed that easily. When my anxiety spirals, I need acceptance and support, not a command to “calm down.”
Think positive thoughts
This is what’s now well known as toxic positivity. The reality is that a person with anxiety is anxious some, most, or even all of the time. Positive thoughts can’t fix the chemical imbalances in our bodies. Of course there is power in positive thinking, but this usually comes from some serious help from a mental health professional.
If you REALLY want to help, say these things instead:
If you love someone with anxiety, there are things you can say that will help us in our moments of panic. First, if we tell you what we’re anxious about, we are choosing to be vulnerable. Please take this as a sign of our trust in you.
You can ask questions such as, “How can I help?” and accept what we say. If we blow you off and say, “I’m fine” or “I’ll be OK” (because shame teaches us to say these things), you can always make the offer again — then or at a later time.
You can also offer up specifics such as watching her kids for a few minutes so she can do some deep breathing, or offer to pick up her grocery order. Or ask if she would prefer to hear some advice or feedback — or if she just wants you to be a listening ear.
The best responses I’ve received to my anxiety are those filled with empathy, acceptance, and offers to help. I’m not talking about a generic “Let me know if you need anything.” Because those of us with anxiety have lived in fear and shame for a long time, our true help comes from those who embrace us for who we are but see that with help, we can rise.
