I live in metropolitan New York, where the Omicron surge first hit in the U.S. Starting in mid- to late December, the positivity rate in our community and in our schools doubled. Whereas before I’d get emails every few days of a handful of positive cases in our district, now the numbers were exploding exponentially.
There were some days that our school district reported 40 cases in one day. One. Day. This included several in each of my kids’ schools. For a while, my older sons’ school was having 10-20 students test positive on a daily basis.
I have lived with a diagnosed anxiety disorder for my whole life. One of my greatest fears is of my children getting severely ill and dying. So, yeah, the pandemic hasn’t been great for my anxiety. Not only that, but my kids have asthma, and one of my kids almost died of an asthma attack a few years ago.
A contagious respiratory disease that attacks the lungs is panic-city for me
I decided to keep my kids remote last year, even though the schools were open where I live. I wanted to wait to know more about the effectiveness of the district’s safety protocols, and was hoping to wait to send them until there was an available vaccine. But I also kept them home because I was anxious as hell about sending them.
After a year of seeing my school’s safety protocols work well, and after getting three out of four of us vaccinated, I nervously sent my kids back to school in September. I was still a wreck for the first few weeks. My anxiety was through the roof and I couldn’t sleep. I was sure one of them would catch COVID, and I didn’t want that to happen until my youngest was eligible for the vaccine.
Finally, my youngest son — the one who almost died of an asthma attack a few years ago — became fully vaccinated at the end of November. Cases were pretty stable at that point, and I was starting to have a sliver of hope that we could all make it through this thing. I was starting to feel happy, less anxious. I was finally sleeping a little better at night.
Then Omicron hit
I know that this surge has been difficult for everyone. I feel for parents of very young children. I feel for immunocompromised people and people with underlying conditions. I feel for all the parents whose lives have been disrupted by school closures and daycare closures. I feel for people in healthcare who are slammed with cases and whose hospitals are on the brink of collapse.
But can we talk about how incredibly difficult a time like this is for parents who experience anxiety?
My kids were pretty adamant that they wanted to continue going to school, despite the surge in cases. My husband thought we should send them as long as the schools were open. I knew that my kids had already experienced too much emotional upheaval from being out of school last year. They were just starting to get used to school and feeling comfortable.
My rational brain knew that they were vaccinated, so even if they were to get infected, they would likely be fine. My rational brain agreed that their mental health was what should be focused on now that they were protected from severe illness.
But my anxiety said otherwise
The few weeks that COVID was rampant in my kids’ schools — when I received email after email of more positive cases, and when my kids would tell me that many teachers and students were absent — were hell for me.
Again, I don’t mean to center myself when there were so many people who were suffering in greater ways than I was. My issues are nothing compared with someone who was severely ill or who lost a loved one.
But I also think it’s important to acknowledge how intensely difficult this surge and this whole pandemic has been for people with anxiety — for people who struggle with mental health in any way.
It’s just one more trigger after another
I wonder sometimes how this is all going to impact me in the long run, if the level of anxiety I have dealt with will cause me any type of health issues down the road. (You know, besides the enormous number of gray hairs that have sprouted on my head.) I also wonder if I’ll ever feel normal about my kids mingling with others without masks, or if I’ll ever stop panicking every time they sneeze.
Thankfully, the Omicron surge here is declining, and my kids have miraculously managed to stay healthy. I've started to relax a little bit, and I’m very grateful. I’ve also started meditating again, and I’m checking in with my therapist regularly.
But I expect to be dealing with high levels of anxiety again soon, because this pandemic just doesn't seem to stop throwing punches and making me feel completely overwhelmed and out of control. Still, I’ll take the break while it lasts. I’ll try to enjoy the feeling of not being utterly terrified. For now.
