Over four years ago, right before my ex-husband moved out, I heard him taking out the trash. I was lying in bed thinking, It’s all going to be me now. Everything will be up to me.
While he worked outside the home, I worked from home, and so our three kids' lives fell upon me. I went to (and made) all the appointments, I made sure they always had what they needed for school. I did all the grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning. He took care of our finances and did a few things around the house, like taking out the trash and snow removal.
But the truth was, I was here all the time, and he worked long, hard days doing hard labor. If I saw that something needed to be done, I’d do it. However, I also knew I had a partner who was there to help me with something and pick up the slack whenever it was needed.
Being a single mom not only meant I had to double-down on my career because I was going from a two-income household to a one-income household, but I also had to take over the finances and do all the things my husband used to do.
Not to mention how exhausting it is to be the solo parent of three children when they're with you
There’s no one to look to for guidance, there’s no one to hear you say “I need a break,” so you can steal a few minutes in your room. When your kids are with you and they need to be in a few places at once, or one is sick and the other needs something, which requires you to be out of the house, you're in a tough spot.
I started doubling down on everything: I learned how to do things around the house, like fix the bathroom ceiling fan and change out light fixtures. There were evenings I’d stay up until midnight to catch up on the cleaning so I wouldn’t have to do it on a weekend when I had my kids.
I’d take every single job opportunity I could get. I was working nights, weekends, and I declined lunch dates when my friends asked me to join them.
I’d get up at the crack of dawn to get my workouts in so I could take my kids to school and have the hours they were gone at work — I don’t think I watched TV for the first few months he was gone.
I pushed myself so hard I began to feel my soul leaving my body
It wasn't fun anymore. I was all business and everything was so regimented and scheduled — even fun activities with my kids. I got so sick of living my life on a spreadsheet.
But I continued because I thought that was the only way.
Last year when COVID-19 swept across the world, I felt like if I could just keep it all up — keep the house running like it was, stay in shape, keep working hard… it would all be fine.
Then the kids were home all day and needed lots of help with their virtual learning.
Our WiFi kept crashing because four people were on it.
If my kids got the sniffles, I’d panic.
If they were bored, I’d try to fix that too.
If something went wrong with my house, I’d put it off or try to fix it myself because I didn’t know where I’d land financially after all of this.
Then, I crashed hard
There was no way I could keep up with it all, so I started doing only the things I could. I started resting more because I was mentally exhausted. I started realizing what was actually important because my schedule was ripped away from me and everything was uncertain.
And you know what?
Nothing happened. Well, nothing bad anyway.
It turns out this last dumpster fire of a year taught me one amazing lesson: I don’t have to try to do it all. I don’t have to be a mother and a father. I don’t have to keep the house clean or work until my fingers fall off.
I stopped doing all that and nothing fell apart
I’m not saying I don’t work hard or that being the solo parent isn’t exhausting — it is. I'm saying I made it worse by thinking I had to carry this huge weight and break my back by doing every single thing that came up.
I don’t.
And it’s OK to ask for help. It’s OK to say no. It’s OK to be a single parent who doesn’t do it all or have it all figured out.
Actually, it’s freeing, and I’ll never go back to the way I was pre-pandemic.
