After college, I worked really hard and landed the job of my dreams more than once. I liked walking into a dealership and buying my own car. I lived alone and enjoyed the fruits of my labor. I had fun going out to dinner with friends and buying new clothes.
Before my ex-husband even proposed to me, we decided I'd be a stay-at-home mom when we had children. As the due date to our first child approached, I quit my job and stayed home with our three children for 13 years. I loved staying home with them (most of the time), and felt very lucky we were in agreement about him working while I cared for out kids full time.
However through the years, something caught up to me and I realized there was a little piece of me dying inside. I didn't feel as confident as I had when I brought home a paycheck and paid my own bills. A big part of my independence was gone. I didn't feel as though I had the right to go out and buy a new outfit just because I wanted to. If we made a big purchase, it was always up to my husband because he made the money. If I wanted to go away with my friends for the weekend, I asked his permission.
When we decided to part ways, I had just started working again. It wasn't enough to make me feel comfortable, though. I knew I had to ramp it up and start working harder than I ever had before, as I had the kids about 70% of the time and needed to provide for us.
The truth is, no matter what your situation is, when you divorce, you are going to feel it financially. The anticipation leading up to the life change can be crippling.
I remember lying awake at night, doubting myself and my career. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to make enough money to suit the lifestyle I had been used to when I was married. I was caught between trying to be the best mom I could for my kids, getting used to our new life and trying to make it on my own for the first time since we'd moved in together almost 18 years prior.
Divorce comes at a cost and I'm not only talking about an emotional one. Many of us feel we are started over financially as we pick up the pieces of our lives.
Samantha Gregory was such an inspiration to listen to this week on the Splitting Upward podcast. I wish I'd heard her words of wisdom three years ago, when my ex-husband and I decided to separate.
She reminds us we are capable and need to take control of our situation. There are things all single moms can do to supplement their income, budget, and hustle to make the money they want.
As hard as my divorce was, I'm thankful for the independence it gave me. I went from relying on my partner for 100% of my money, to working my butt off and bringing in the income I wanted.
This has boosted my self-esteem and made me a stronger woman. Now, when something goes off the rails, I think if I was able to get through that and come out thriving, this will be a piece of cake.
The one piece of advice I can give anyone going through a divorce is this: Believe in yourself. Instead of wasting time thinking you aren't capable of taking take of yourself financially, take that energy, and use it pursue your financial goals and dreams.
Talk to other women who have been through it. Contact a financial advisor you trust to give you advice. Ask for that raise or promotion. You have the capability to empower yourself. Yes, it's scary to go it alone after being partnered with someone, but women are killing it all over the place and doing it solo — and you can too.
Listen to Episode 11 of Splitting Upward:
