When I was pregnant with my first child, I loved my job and spending time with friends. I was a true extrovert and would host a few get-togethers a year because I loved being social, getting my house ready, and never looked at the clock to make sure I got to bed by a certain hour.
So when I was the first one of my friends to get pregnant, I figured nothing would change and I’d see them just as much. I had daydreams about them coming over, where I’d serve them homemade treats and we’d sit on my patio and take turns holding my newborn son.
My coworker, who had two young kids, told me that’s not how it would go. She advised me to unplug my phone, and tell everyone that I would call them when I was ready to see them.
Being the genius first-time mom that I was about to be, I ignored her and instead had my husband call everyone when I went into labor and announce that everyone could come over for the weekend to hang out.
When I came home from the hospital, I was an absolute mess
I was withering fast and told myself I could make it through the weekend. On Sunday, when another round of guests came over, I went up to the bedroom with my baby and laid on the bed feeling like I never wanted to talk to anyone again.
All this to say: I changed the moment I gave birth. I felt like my extroverted chip came out with my baby. There were get-togethers post-baby of course, but not like I’d envisioned. My energy was focused on keeping my baby alive. Then it was all about being pregnant with a toddler. Then managing two kids. Then getting a bigger home to fit our growing family. Then, we found out we were having a third. I put most of my social life on hold.
This was what I could do to survive
The truth is, once you become a mother, life gets a lot harder and you get a hell of a lot more tired. Your priorities shift. You don’t feel like trying to put jeans on to go out with girlfriends. Instead, staying in your sweats and texting is more appealing.
I’ve realized three kids later that a lot of friendships slip away or change when you have kids. And that’s OK.
I used to feel so guilty about this, but when my girlfriends had kids, they went through the same thing, and it was what I needed to realize there was nothing wrong with me. Shelving certain friendships when something monumental — like having a baby — happens is normal.
Yes, friendships and our relationships are vital to feeling well and alive. But as moms, we have to realize our lives are flipped upside-down, and if we don’t feel like going to that get-together, or even talking at times, that's all right.
It’s also a strong possibility you grow apart from your friends
Maybe you're the only one with kids in your group, or you have very different ideas about how you want to parent than your friends. You're running on less of everything and you're trying to balance work, a relationship, and keeping your four walls up. This all takes a lot of sacrifice and work — something's got to give. And a lot of times, that’s our friendships.
Now that my kids are teenagers, I can honestly tell you that it's all going to work out. You'll find new people, or you'll come back together with your friends. It might not look or feel the same, but does anything in your life after you become a mom?
And you know what the beautiful thing is? Most women understand that you're drained and touched out and pulled in a bunch of different directions. They understand that things have changed because they've changed for them, too. And your true blue friends won't care if you don't talk to them for weeks because life got busy. They're lifers — they'll still be there for you when you text.
Yes, you may have less friends than your pre-kid life, but the friendships you do have become stronger and more meaningful — and I think that's a trade-off worth making.
