There will come a time in many friend groups where one of the members announces that they are expecting a baby. I have been that girl and let me tell you, this was one of the most exciting parts of my first pregnancy! My friends are my world, so planning baby showers and discussing potential names were moments I could not wait to experience with them.
I’ll be honest, though, the idea of having a baby (when none of my girlfriends had children) also scared me. I kept imagining all the ways in which our friendships would never be the same, and I know many mothers have experienced this as well. Let’s face it — girls’ trips with a newborn? Probably not likely!
But from my experience, the idea of having kids when your friends are mostly childless doesn’t have to be a scary concept. There are plenty of ways to maintain your friendships post-baby. If you’re expecting your first or have just given birth, here are some tips that helped ease my mind and nurture my friendships as a new mom with my non-mom friends.
I didn’t want to let the inevitable change become the elephant in the room
If you’re thinking about it, so are your friends. So I brought it up right away and had an honest, open conversation about how there is no denying that things will be different, but that both you and them can find new normals to make room for the new addition to the friend group. Keep it lighthearted, get emotional if you have to, but remember that your friends have probably been afraid to bring it up out of respect and will appreciate it if you’re the one to open the dialogue.
If you’re a child-free friend, come up with ideas for what to do. Remember that your new mom friend probably has a million things on her mind, so presenting the idea to them will be so appreciated. Be flexible on dates and times, maybe even give a few options, and most importantly — give plenty of notice.
As the friend with the child, I always make sure that plans with friends are as much of a priority as anything else
I guarantee that things will come up on the day you have plans where you feel like you should cancel, but try to keep in mind that these relationships are so important for your well-being and need to be taken seriously. That being said, it is absolutely OK to say no to plans if you feel you can’t give it the energy you should. But make sure you don’t get into a habit of finding reasons why you shouldn’t do something with your friends.
Don’t expect your friends to love all the things kids do now that you have them
Listen, I promise your friends will be at every birthday party and will come to any kid-friendly activity you ask them to do. So make sure that for every school play comes a wine and movie night with the ladies. Keep tabs on how often you’re catering to their needs and the needs of your own as a mother; there’s nothing wrong with structuring hangouts to keep things balanced.
That being said, there are plenty of ways to meet halfway. Put your baby in the stroller for a nap while you walk around the neighborhood or a farmers’ market. If you’re more the outdoorsy type, try putting your baby in a pouch while you go on a mid or low-impact hike. There’s always the option to meet up at a park and let the kids play while you chat as well.
I personally love inviting my friends for a later dinner, so that after we put the kids down, I can watch them on the monitor but still socialize with your friends. Before the kids go to sleep, why not have a movie night with the kids? Trust me, Moana is better than you think.
If this pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that we can maintain our friendships even when we’re not face-to-face
Sending a few DMs back and forth every week, even if it’s just sharing a laugh over a relatable meme, honestly goes a long way! My girls and I have a group chat, and I always try to find a moment daily (even if it’s just two minutes) to breeze through and catch up with everyone’s lives. We are so fortunate to have access to our friends at our fingertips every day, so take full advantage of it.
When I’m looking for something a little more personal, I love to schedule a FaceTime call. You don’t even necessarily need to set aside a block of time (we all know they are few and far between as a mom), but I’m sure your friends won’t mind watching you make dinner while they fill you in on the latest.
It’s just a fact: Having kids will change the dynamic of your friend group, especially at the beginning. But think of it as a positive! I guarantee you will appreciate your friends so much more than ever before because they’re going to be the ones showing up for you when you need help, and the ones there for you when you need a break.
By being the mom friend, you will open your friends up to so many new experiences that they might not have otherwise. There are so many ways to keep in touch and make it work. Don’t be afraid of what’s to come; embrace it, and remember that chances are it’s only a matter of time before another one of your besties announces a baby of their own.
