My kids are very lucky — about six years ago, their father (now my ex-husband) and I bought a small second home on a lake, which he still owns. Every other weekend, he takes Friday off from his very busy business and drives the kids over three hours north to spend quality time with them: boating, fishing, grilling, and building fires.
He looks so forward to it and works really hard so he can afford this extra time off during the summer months. And as my kids get older and are in the midst of their teen years, the less they want to share this adventure with him.
They complain
They don’t want to go. They say they’d rather stay home (we all know that means having weekend-long dates with their phones), and I don’t give in to that.
I tell them how much it means to their dad and how lucky they are to have this escape and a father who wants to spend this much quality time with them. (We also have shared custody, so he sees them three days a week, minimum.)
I could go the other way. I could tell them they could stay home with me if they wanted, because selfishly, I’d love that. I hate it when my kids go away and it dips into their scheduled time with me. Of course I’d rather hog them instead of watching them walk out the door and drive away to go off to make memories in a place that was once really special for me, too.
I’d rather not hear about how much fun they had with my ex-husband’s girlfriend and her daughter because I want those moments with my kids.
But then I see how happy and well rounded it makes them
I feel better when I support their father, and love the fact that he’s such a goofy, loyal dad who puts them first.
I want that same respect from him, in return, when I want to take them away or have a few extra days with them and I get it.
The way I look at it, it’s hard to support my ex-husband at times. We parent differently, we do things differently: He hates that I take them out to fast food so much, and I wish he’d give me more notice when he wants extra time with them.
But biting our tongues in front of our beautiful children and working it out between the two of us, without throwing each other under the table in front of the people who mean the most to us in this world, feels a whole lot better than doing the opposite.
It shows them we are the parents, and even though we don’t love each other, we love them and are going to stick together. It keeps them from using us to get what they want, because believe me, that’s what would happen if we were constantly bad-mouthing each other. I see them try to manipulate things if they think they can get away with it. Most important, divorced or not, I don’t want to parent my children alone. I need a partner. I could either have that in my ex-husband or we could be in the midst of a battle all the time and I would feel alone.
It’s my choice
I choose to give some things up and hold some things in order to show my kids a healthy co-parenting relationship. It’s also given me the gift of peace, compassion, and knowing that if I need my ex to have my back, he will. No questions asked.
