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After becoming new parents, so many moms wonder how to keep their relationship strong after baby. In those newborn months (and for most of the first year), you're in the thick of it all — there are so many things that need to be done, no time to do them, and baby constantly needs you. Of course things like your relationship are going to fall by the wayside; this is survival mode, like we said.
But that doesn't mean you and your partner need to lose touch with each other. Becoming parents is something you're doing together, and there's a lot of joy to be found in that — even if it's just laughing about how tired you both are.
Wanting to keep your relationship strong after baby? Read on for small, easy things to do for you (and your partner).
Are you in an unhappy marriage after baby?
If you've found that you're in an unhappy marriage after baby, you're definitely not alone. Not only do you have a brand new, all-encompassing stressor added to your life, but you're also not sleeping, and your free time — together or separately — is likely close to zero.
Then, there's the fact that your life together has fundamentally changed: Someone new is living in your house, and you aren't just each other's spouses; you're parents, too. And sometimes, the way that changes the dynamic of your relationship can certainly put a strain on it — especially the resentment that can build when one partner believes they're doing the lion's share of the work.
And then, there's also the possibility that you simply weren't prepared for how your normally peaceful marriage would change.
"People spend more time decorating the nursery than preparing the relationship for the arrival of a baby," counselor Joyce Marter told the Washington Post.
How to reconnect with your partner after baby
Your marriage might be struggling right now, but it doesn't have to be this way forever. There are small things you can do for them that just take a little extra effort, and hopefully, that effort will be reciprocated.
- Make sure you're on the same page about household duties. Who's getting up with the baby? Who's cooking dinner? It's good to make an action plan, especially if you're feeling overwhelmed by your responsibilities while your spouse watches TV on the couch.
- Learn how to communicate effectively with your partner. Usually, communication is where the breakdown of a relationship starts, so it's essential to be open and honest with each other. Use "I" statements to speak openly without blaming them for your feelings, which could make them defensive.
- Make sure you're both getting enough sleep. Sleep deprivation is real during baby's first year, so it's a good idea to take shifts sleeping, take turns sleeping in on the weekends, and…
- Plan a date night. Ideally without the baby!
- Make sure you both have alone time. Maybe that's your chance every week — even for just a couple of hours — to be by yourself or have a girls' night out to blow off steam. A little separation is a good thing!
- Work together for a common goal. It could be something as simple as putting a jigsaw puzzle together or as complicated as planning for your future. if it involves your baby, even better. As mom Natalie Stechyson wrote for The Huffington Post, sleep training brought her and her husband back together.
"I’m not exaggerating that I think this may have saved our marriage," she wrote. "We went from dozing in 45-minute stretches to getting a proper night’s sleep, we had our evenings back, the stress of trying to get our baby to fall asleep every single night to no avail had been eliminated, and getting our son to stick to a schedule gave us something to work on — together."
Couples counseling and other resources
If you're unable to salvage your relationship with a little improved communication, more sleep, and time spent apart, it might be time for couples' counseling. Having a third party who isn't personally involved in your relationship might help you see the way forward a bit clearer — and even individual sessions can help you process the major change in your life that comes with having a baby.
Learning to communicate with your partner is essential now that you're parents, but it doesn't come naturally to everyone — and that's nothing to be ashamed of.
Above all else, remember to show each other grace. You're both going through a lot right now, but if you can overcome it, you'll come out on the other side with a stronger marriage than ever.
