When you don’t grow up in an ideal parenting situation, it feels like a leap of faith to start your own family. A lot of us who grew up without dads or dads who took on active roles in parenting know exactly what we don’t want for our kids, but don’t exactly know how to do things differently. My husband, for example, last saw his own father when he was just 4 years old. He never had a strong male role model in his life either, so when we had our first child 10 years ago — a boy, nonetheless — the pressure came on quickly.
Now two things usually happen. Those from broken families either repeat the cycle, often because they simply don’t know any other way to be and don’t have the emotional capacity to figure it out, or they do a complete 180. Fortunately, my husband did the latter. The night we came home from the hospital with our beautiful baby, he sat on the edge of our bed and held him in his hands while he cried inconsolably, and my husband knew instantly that fatherhood would be the biggest undertaking of his life. He’s shown me every day since that he was up for the challenge.
Neither of us had strong father figures
Not only did my husband not have a father around, but from the time I was 11 or 12, my mom was a single mother — and for years before that, things between my parents had been tumultuous. I’ll never forget the good days when I was very young and my dad was legitimately trying to be there for us, but at some point, things changed and he let his vices get the best of him.
We often went months — or sometimes a year or more at a time — without hearing from him, let alone seeing him. It had a deep impact on my ability to trust men, and because I grew up around many families in similar situations, I ended up thinking that a good dad — like the ones I saw on TV — were basically like unicorns.
For most of my life, I never even imagined myself with kids because I had no desire to be a single mom and go through the things I witnessed my mother go through, or worse… bring a child into this world who could end up having the same experience I did. Obviously, it was traumatic.
My gut feeling told me he was good
If I’m being honest, I actually always saw myself as a single career woman. I know that it was because the thought that I could repeat the cycle absolutely terrified me, and I wanted to do everything I could to avoid it. But, much to my surprise, I ended up meeting my husband in high school.
There was something different about him, and I knew it from the start. We were very different people, but we had a lot in common and we just clicked right away. We both knew we wanted more, and while he had less of an idea about how to do that than I did, my gut told me that he would figure it out.
He was utterly devoted to me and our future together, and I knew that if we ever had kids, he wouldn’t let them down.
We still waited
We met young and got married young, so we still had our first child relatively young. But we were actually together for over 10 years before having kids. In fact, we had already been married for five years when I gave birth to our first child. I just wasn’t ready. Now I realize that it’s because I hadn’t healed from the trauma of my own childhood and that I thought I had to have all my ducks in a row before I had kids, or else I’d screw it all up. Of course, as a 30-something mom of two, I know now that no one ever has all their ducks in a row.
He was ready before I was, though. He wanted to be a dad. He knew it would be challenging, but it was a challenge he yearned for. In any case, we waited. And then, after we had our first, we waited almost another three years before we decided to have a second.
He's exceeded my expectations as a dad
We’ve been parents for a decade now, and throughout the past 10 years, my husband has proven to me that he’s up to the task of fatherhood again and again. He’s shown me that it’s possible for a father to be loving and committed.
He’s shown me that there are dads out there who really can do it all. He makes sure our kids are provided for financially and emotionally. He engages with them and tackles every parenting task without ever complaining.
Most importantly, he shows up. He chooses us. He puts us first every time. Watching him parent with love and firmness and presence, is a revelation. Good dads do exist, and my kids are lucky enough to have one of them.
Our kids are OK
My husband’s father will never see him as a father. He’ll never know that his son defied the odds and became the best dad despite never having one of his own. My dad sees it though. He’s a different man now, and he gets to watch his grandchildren be fathered by someone who was determined to break the cycle, and it’s a beautiful thing.
After all these years, I know that my kids won’t ever experience what we did. They are OK. They are good. They are safe and they are loved and they know it. Witnessing my husband’s fatherhood journey has helped me put the past behind me, and it has allowed me to forgive my own father and to see men and fathers, in particular, in a far better light than I ever thought I could.
