When my kids were all under the age of 4, my family got a lot of attention. Old ladies at the grocery store would tell me, “Wow! You have your hands full.” However, the number of young kids we had wasn’t the only reason we were subject to a lot of second glances, stares, and comments.
My husband and I are both white, and our four children are Black. Being a multiracial family, particularly when the parents are a different race than their children, you receive a lot of attention. During our outings, adoption was glaringly apparent because of our racial differences and people wanted to get “the scoop.”
When I was a younger mom, I struggled a lot with responding to strangers politiely while in public. Inevitably, one of the kids was having a temper tantrum, needing a potty break, or demanding a snack. Although I’m good at multitasking, I’m not that good.
We were constantly stared at and sometimes people would smile at us approvingly, or we got puzzled looks. While the attention was annoying, it wasn't nearly as disruptive as those who took it upon themselves to approach us and interrogate us.
People wanted to know the full story, right there in the cereal aisle of the store. Why didn’t we have “our own” kids? How much did our kids “cost”? Was their “real mom” on drugs? Why didn’t we adopt one of our “own kind”? Were our kids “real siblings”?
In the beginning of raising our young family, I would stumble through my responses. Like many women, I was conditioned from a young age to be polite and respectful of people, especially those older than me. But with time and practice, I began to shut down anyone who was nosily disrupting my family’s flow. If we were at the library, we were there to get books, not entertain strangers and their questions. If we were in line at the airport bathroom, I wasn’t interested in talking about my fertility or my child’s personal adoption story.
I got to the point where if people didn’t “take a hint” when I tried to shut them down the first time, I would just simply say “that’s personal” or “that’s none of your business.” Like all moms, I just wanted to get through whatever errand I was running or enjoy a fun event with my kids without someone poking their nose where it didn’t belong.
My goal was to focus on my children and be their mom, which meant making sure no one demanded “the story” out of them or tried to put me on a pedestal for adopting. Even those who thought they were being supportive and complimenting us weren’t appropriate. I had people approach me and say, “God bless you for giving these children a good home,” assuming my children were doomed if they would have stayed with their birth families.
The reality is, we have four open adoptions and ongoing, healthy relationships with their birth families. If your family looks different, whether you have a child with disabilities, a large family, only one kiddo, or a multiracial family, I want you to know that it’s OK to shut down anyone who is disrespecting your family.
Having a few go-to phrases helps. You don’t have to generate something in the moment. You do not have to tolerate anyone who is being nosy or insulting. You can do this. Practice really does make perfect.
I am a friendly person who loves a good conversation. However, I put a hard stop to anyone who is trying to investigate my family’s legitimacy or the intimate details of my children’s adoptions. Moms of “different” families are the definition of a Mama Bear. Don’t mess with us.
