If you walk by our home on October 31, you’ll see jack-o’-lanterns, eerie lights, and my 10-year-old dressed as his latest hero handing out candy. All this alerts you to the fact that we’re a family that loves Halloween. What you won’t find is me in an adult-sized costume at any point during the festivities. It’s true. I don’t like dressing up with my kid on Halloween, and I think I might be the only one.
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On my first Halloween as a mom, I was excited to plan a tiny costume for my 5-month-old. Baby sharks and mini dinosaurs filled my imagination and in the midst of talking through possible costumes with my husband, he asked, “What theme should we all be?” My stomach tensed at the word “we.” With enormous dark circles under my eyes, I could’ve easily been a zombie from The Walking Dead, but that wasn’t the point. This was the first I’d heard that family Halloween costumes were a thing, and more importantly, it was a thing my husband wanted to do.
That first year, I narrowly escaped a family-themed Halloween. This was based solely on the fact I was too tired to stay awake for the holiday. The good news was it gave me time to ponder why I’d had a strong negative reaction to dressing up with my child. Research shows that over 30 million people dress up for Halloween, and studies say that 70% of adults already know what their costume will be. Clearly, I was not part of these huge numbers, and a few texts to mom friends confirmed this fact.
When I asked about family Halloween costumes, my mom friends immediately sent me Instagram-worthy family photos of their Halloween costumes. They told me they all had a wonderful time coming up with concepts and dressing up with their kiddos. When asked what our family was doing, the sweat from my palms made my embarrassed responses hard to type. I wasn’t sure how to say, well… that I wasn’t sure. I felt like the odd mom out, and things only got worse when I brought up this up to my husband.
“But it’s such a fun way to connect as a family” was my husband’s disappointed response. I tried to explain that for me the joy in this holiday came from watching my kid have the best time instead of participating in it. And that I never wanted us to steal our son’s costume-wearing thunder by parading through the neighborhood as oversize Bluey characters.
“I understand how it can be a memorable family moment,” I reassured my husband, “but I want this holiday to be all about him.” I went on to say that there are so few moments where our little guy can feel independent from us. Picking out his very own costume (when he was old enough) could give him some big feels in the self-reliance department, but in a fun and not super-scaaaaary way. My husband was quiet. He nodded that he heard me, even though he was still processing everything I’d said.
As my son has grown, the thought of wearing a grown-up Halloween costume has not grown on me. However, there have been a couple of years where my plan to keep my son front and center (and myself costume-free) didn’t always play out. This was only because my son asked us to dress up together. For the most part, my grade-schooler is exploring his independence in this kid-focused holiday all on his own. I love standing back and encouraging him to be the creator of his own destiny, even when he’s Indiana Jones for five years running.
