It sounded like a good idea, once upon a time. We would have three kids. Not a BIG family. Not a little family. Not average-sized. Just a little big, just a tad more energy, a smidgen more involving than the two-kid households where Bill and I were raised.
Ha!
Letโs just say you canโt be โa little pregnant,โ and you canโt have a family that is โa little big.โ Nine years after popping out my third munchkin, I am here to report that the three-kid household is the circus that never leaves town. And lest you think I am an unusually crabby individual, there is a new survey to back me up.
A Today Moms survey of 7,000 mothers across the United States found that the moms who reported being the most stressed out were those with three children. Not only were they having a harder time than the moms of two kids or singletons; they actually described higher stress levels than the moms with four, five, or more kids.
Of course, I can understand why itโs easier to have one or two kids. Itโs like crossing the street. If youโve got one child, you wait for the light to turn green, then reach for her hand and cross the street. If youโve got two kids, youโd better grab their mitts before the light changes, in case one of them (usually the younger one) decides to dash out into traffic. You may even need to look behind you to find that kid, but you do, and you cross, less focused in one direction perhaps, but managing, a child in each hand.
Then you have three, and suddenly thereโs the choice: Who can manage without my hand? Who can get through this moment on his own, because Iโm too busy with his siblings right now to help him out? Thereโs guilt in that decision. Thereโs anxiety. Thereโs probably also frustration, because he wants to hold your hand even if heโs old enough to manage alone, and so heโs whining or worse, starting a fight with a sibling. And so, once again, thereโs chaos and you reach the other side with a pounding heart and the resolve to manage this better, next time.
Add in the one-third financial mark-up from the two-kid family, and you have it: the stress built into life every day in a three-kid household.
Itโs very possible that if weโd gone and had one more kid, Iโd be more zen and my children would manage better.
Hereโs whatโs killing me, though โ why is it easier to manage even more children? To find out, I emailed three girlfriends who have four kids. This is what they told me:
โBy the time your fourth arrives, you donโt sweat the small stuff anymore. If giving your 3-year-old ice cream or a lollipop before dinner will keep the peace, you let her have it. You know it wonโt ruin her for life!โ โPriscilla Holmes, Philadelphia, PA
โFour kids makes me uber-consumed with being organized … I believe four has taught me that I need to be more conscious of what is important in life. I stay focused on the little things because they really are the big things.โ โ Heather Trilling, Westlake Village, CA
โFour is easier because the kids can pair off. Especially when you have two of each. With three, there is one left out. Also, when it was three, the baby got treated more like a baby for some reason. With four, you can’t indulge the youngest, and she’s more likely to try to keep up with the others.โ โ Anne Arikian, Los Angeles, CA
Itโs very possible that if weโd gone and had one more kid, Iโd be more zen and my children would manage better. I cop to the trap of trying to give my kids the attention and resources that their friends from two-kid households receive; with three, itโs still possible most of the time. Thereโs just less left (less time, less energy, less money) for me and my husband.
Still, Iโd do it again. Having three kids may be more stressful than two, but I also think itโs more fun, exciting and, when itโs going well, more joyous.
That said, Iโm not rushing out to get pregnant again, either.
