Right now Black mothers are dealing with a lot — a pandemic, social unrest, and a newfound spotlight on what it means to raise little Black sons and daughters. Just imagining what your Black mom friends might be going through may have caused you to wonder what you can do to help. Sometimes it can be difficult to figure out how you can help without seeming insensitive, dismissive, or as if you’re jumping on the bandwagon. Here’s a list of 10 easy ways you can support your Black mom friends right now:
1. Acknowledge any unconscious biases or thoughts
To support another friend or person, it’s best to start with a look inward. The saying goes, we cannot help others until we first help ourselves. By doing some internal work and identifying any unconscious biases or thoughts, we can start to break away from any generational beliefs that are not characteristics we want to continue and begin to build up new ones that support our current stance on these topics.
2. Do your own research and work
Reaching out to your Black mom friend to find out what’s going on lately with the protesting or why a certain statue is being taken down can put a lot of pressure on someone. Your friend may not be an expert on race relations or diversity and inclusion, so she would only be able to speak from her own experiences. If your friend is up to talking about her experiences, by all means, share and talk – but just understand that you can find answers to your questions by doing a little research on your own and relying on the experts to fill you in.
3. Support anti-racism
To use a phrase like “not a racist” is something that’s typically said after doing or saying something that can come across as racist. Instead, focus efforts on being an advocate for the anti-racism movement. Think of this as a regular effort to constantly stay aware, keep up this momentum, and take action when possible. Being proactive rather than reactive will let your friends know that you are for them, all of the time.
To use a phrase like 'not a racist' is something that’s typically said after doing or saying something that can come across as racist.
4. Treat us like any other friend, but realize that we may have differences
We all think and behave differently based on our upbringings, our experiences, our situations, and just general personality. Embracing how different we all are is the beautiful part of being among a diverse community. We may all be different, and it's OK to identify our differences and welcome them.
5. Speak up when we are not in the room
Many times an uncomfortable conversation will happen when your Black friend is not around, when people are just freely talking. If you are there, you can be a supporter of your friend by speaking up in those moments and sharing why you don’t agree or support what is being said. True allyship happens whether a person of color is around or not. Feel free to use a phrase like, “I’m not comfortable with this conversation,” or, “This doesn’t sound like something I should be a part of,” if you need an easy out — we’ve all needed a quick getaway phrase at times!
6. Hear us when we talk
As a Black woman, I haven’t always felt that all my friends would understand my point of view when I've explained a situation. If your friend is talking about an experience that she felt had something to do with race, or “bringing up the race card,” believe her, encourage her to express herself, and hear her out.
7. Ask the tough questions
Ask the questions to yourself, your family, your other friends, and those around you who can get to the root of your heart and why certain beliefs may be there.
8. Define your philosophy and model that for your child
Our children are influenced first and foremost by us, their moms! By being a role model on how to treat others, your kids will get a first-hand view of what it means for them to support their Black friends. You can encourage and incorporate diversity into your home by watching shows with a diverse cast, reading books with characters of different races, or being around people of different backgrounds and ethnicities.
9. Be OK with being uncomfortable
This is not an easy topic and something that hasn’t been talked about in public forums for too long. Racism has been able to continue because many people don’t want to be uncomfortable. We are often in uncomfortable situations, so we understand it can be hard. Push through.
10. Be truly invested
Be truly invested in our friendship and in what that means as far as what I may need from you. If you genuinely feel angry about the mistreatment of people, share that. Check in with me and listen. This isn’t something you have a comparable situation for, so a listening ear is always good. This isn’t a new fact for us and is not shocking to us. Ignoring the recent events up to this point will not help create lasting change — but your investment in our friendship will.
