Too many times, a person in a position of authority has been exposed for using racist language or committing ignorant acts, such as wearing black face as part of a costume. To explain away the behavior, said person will often use the commonly uttered defense, “I have friends who are Black.” This problematic excuse needs to be done away with, as it attempts to affirm that close proximity to Black people somehow abolishes all possible racist acts.
Though these examples frame interracial friendships selfishly, acting as perceived racism erasers for those who see it as armor against accusation, there is great value in maintaining friendships with people who look and live differently than you. With the correct intentions, cross-cultural relationships have the ability to change the world your children are growing up in now.
Let’s look at another phrase that is often misused and misunderstood: “I don’t see color.” Unless you actually have visual impairments that make this statement true in its most literal sense, claiming that color doesn’t exist diminishes the experiences that people of color, especially Black people, must tolerate because of the tone of their skin.
You should acknowledge their color. You should accept that their existence in America is one that is very different from yours. You shouldn’t attempt to eradicate their ethnicity to mute the conversation. Babies can identify race-based differences as early as 6 months of age, according to HealthyChildren.org, and because of behaviors learned from parents, children as young as 2 years old could have already developed racial biases. If a toddler is able to notice color, it’s irresponsible to try to convince yourself that you are blind to it.
If a toddler is able to notice color, it’s irresponsible to try to convince yourself that you are blind to it.
To combat the misconception that color doesn’t matter, or that having a friend from another culture absolves you of racist acts, it’s important to intentionally interact with people of color. That isn’t just to say that you have Black friends. Go beyond your own internal biases by rerouting your train of thought.
For instance, say you’re walking with your family and need help finding your destination. Even in a diverse environment, many white people will ask another white person for assistance without thinking twice about it. But think twice. Challenge your own conditioning, and deliberately approach a person of color for help. This might seem like a small act, but the nature of it is grand.
Your children are watching and subconsciously processing why you do everything you do. By approaching a person who looks different, you would be taking steps in undoing your own conditioning toward race and showing your children that there is nothing to fear or be apprehensive about just because of the color of someone else’s skin.
Occasional interracial interactions help, but building strong friendships with people of other ethnicities provides opportunity to have tough but necessary conversations. You’ll never truly know what another has been through until you ask. And, yes, discussions about race are difficult to have, but when you build strong relationships first, you’re able to explore these harsh realities with those you know and trust, confronting racism and weakening its power in the safe space of friendship.
If you are a part of the majority, practice deep listening. Don’t turn the story back on you by relating it to something you’ve gone through. If you are part of a marginalized community, be candid with your white friends about what you endure. Don’t sugarcoat your story to avoid discomfort. The purpose of these conversations is to bring about change, and that can only happen when all parties are honest and bare their truth.
Look for chances to meet or speak with people who experience life differently than you, whether that means simply greeting a person in passing or getting to know a person who identifies as belonging to an ethnic group other than your own. America’s new normal doesn’t only need to be one where physical distance is minded and faces are covered to avoid the spread of the novel coronavirus.
The new norm should also be aimed at eliminating the disease of racism and segregation that we have somehow come to accept as commonplace. When neighborhoods and schools are divided by race — one being a white neighborhood where schools are funded and roads are fixed promptly, and another being a Black neighborhood where schools lack funding for basic supplies and children must play on poorly maintained streets and sidewalks — the disease of divisiveness must be examined and eliminated. Healing must happen, but empathy and understanding come from intentional interactions among all.
