Dear fellow mamas of an only child,
Stay-at-home orders and the outbreak have undoubtedly been rough on everyone, especially those who’ve lost family members or been infected by this new and scary disease.
And in addition to the fear we carry of us or our kids getting sick, there are those of us who are deeply worried about something else: our kids’ mental and emotional health.
I know this applies to parents of multiple children as well, but right now I’m talking just to you, mama of an only.
See, kids with siblings at least have other children to play, talk, and fight with.
But our only children? They have only us.
Parents of multiple kids seem to know they have an advantage.
I’ve seen comments on Facebook about mothers being “so relieved” they have more than one kid, or “so glad” they chose to have two or more and they can’t possibly imagine the torture of being an only child right now.
That poor kid they’re talking about?
That’s our kid. Our precious only child.
Some of us chose to have one child because that’s what felt perfect for our family. Some of us didn’t have a choice but to have just one.
For all of us, comments like these ones hurt.
Especially, because despite all the perks of being an only child — and there are many — there’s no question that during these unprecedented times, our onlies are missing out on a crucial piece of childhood: companionship with other kids.
For over six weeks during the initial quarantine, my son did not see a single child. He began to beg to go to the grocery store. The park. Inside restaurants.
Anywhere other kids might be.
But if we tried to FaceTime with friends from school, he’d crawl into his bed and hide. His 3-year-old heart craved physical interaction, not faces on a screen.
And it broke my heart.
Like you, I had to step up and become not only my boy’s mama but also his playmate and constant companion. He began to cling to me more as elements of his normal world shifted under his feet or dropped away completely.
Like you, I had plenty of my own outbreak-related anxiety and pain to deal with, but I had to be emotionally and physically available for my child.
Now, as lockdowns are lifting and cases are rising and school is only a month and a half away, I’m drained, anxious, and conflicted.
I want school to happen this fall because I want my son to see his friends every day again. But I’m also terrified of him getting sick.
I feel like there’s no good answer to this crisis, and I feel like it’s going to drag on forever. I just want my only child to emerge from this alive and healthy, but also without too many emotional scars.
Do you feel that way, too?
Then I’d like to offer you a ray of hope.
There is one distinct benefit to having an only child that stands even during this time: Only children tend to have stronger bonds with their parents than kids with siblings do.
That doesn’t mean we have to be perfect. But it does mean that we can draw on that bond to help get both our only children and ourselves through this crisis in one piece.
You don’t have to do anything extra.
The bond is already there.
It’s what has made you become that playmate. That reader of extra stories. Co-baker of cookies. Companion on walks in the yard. Builder of indoor forts. Maker of hot chocolate. Watcher of silly kids’ TV shows over and over again. Dancer to goofy music.
I’m not going to sit here and tell you to be positive during this stressful time. If you’re anything like me, your days right now have glimpses of joy mixed in with moments of extreme boredom and guilt and anxiety.
But mama of an only, you’re doing a great job.
And even if you get into more arguments with your kid than usual, you’ve got that solid only-child foundation with them. You know how to make things right.
If your kid is anything like mine, he’s even more sensitive to your feelings than kids with siblings. And if you’re anything like me, you’re deeply attuned to the feelings of your one precious, only child.
Literally all of your mama love and energy can go to one person — and it shows.
That, my friends, is something special. Something this virus cannot steal away.
Maybe, just maybe, our onlies will remember this time as painful and lonely but also rich with the love, support, and empathy of their parents.
So don’t give up hope.
Lean in to your relationship with your child. Hold each other tight as the waves of the outbreak rise and crash against you.
Love,
A fellow mama of an only child
