Lonely, Selfish, Maladjusted is an oft-repeated mantra when it comes to only children. Well, as an only child who does not feel as though she fits into those parameters — at least most of the time — I beg to differ! So does Lauren Sandler, a fellow sibling-less peer and author of 2013 book One and Only: The Freedom of Having an Only Child and the Joy of Being One (Simon & Schuster).
“One of the things that I wanted to show in my book is that there are lots of studies on only children, but what do they add up to when it comes to real experiences? There is a lot of conflicting information. I interviewed a zillion people, and it does complicate the extremes of the narrative a little bit; everyone is different and shaped by different things, but I just wanted to correct some of the misinformation without necessarily creating a new box to put only children in.”
Well said, and we got Sandler to wax positive about five benefits of being — and five benefits of having — one singular sensation.
Healthy self-esteem
“The undivided attention that only children receive can be a double-edged sword that parents need to wield in a mindful fashion,” says Sandler. “But based on quantitative and qualitative studies that psychologists have done, that attention and focus, when it doesn’t smother, can be really uplifting and confidence-boosting. There are some wonderful advantages to it; many only kids tend to have higher achievement motivation, and they seem to develop great tools to succeed.”
Good companions to themselves
“Only children tend to have a deeper primary relationship with themselves. Often we don’t think about that; we think of relationships in terms of those with other people, but only children have no choice but to develop a strong relationship to themselves, and it’s an incredibly beautiful thing; it offers such a degree of self-reliance,” Sandler points out. “The greatest armor against loneliness is to learn how to be less lonely when you are by yourself.”
Strong bonds
“We don’t take peer relationships for granted,” says Sandler. “Unlike siblings, who will be at the dinner table night after night, no matter how we behave, we know that we have to nurture and protect our relationships with others.” Living in a more mature household as the only child among adults can be a good thing. “We tend to absorb more mature lessons about relationships in terms of responsibility, nurturing and generosity.” Contrary to popular belief, Sandler says that only children are not lousy at friendships: “We are actually quite skilled!”
Cooperative and in control
While she admits that her 5-year-old daughter certainly isn’t above the occasional meltdown, the research she found on only children is pretty positive. “We have a greater locus of control and tend to keep it together in a more mature way. I think it’s related to expectations of mature behavior and taking clues from adults,” says Sandler. “It comes from the advantage of having a slightly more adult level of responsibility in our relationships with other people.”
They choose their families
Because only children often desire emotional connections beyond their parents, they often build their own supportive villages and add their own cast of characters. “As the only child in my group of friends, I have been the engine of much of this togetherness because I crave family-like interaction, a certain degree of engagement and lasting traditions,” says Sandler, who even went so far as to buy a house with a few friends.
Happiness outside of parenting
“I love being a mother and I love the time I spend with my kid, but I also feel that I need to do more than just work and be a parent,” says Sandler, who feels that having just one child makes this goal more attainable. “Where work and parenting and pleasure outside of those things can all overlap, great, but all of the resources that are undiluted amongst one child, meaning all of the time and energy and money that we have, which is finite … well, call me selfish, but I am happy to have something left over for my husband, my parents, my friends and for myself.”
You buy more time
“In the United States, even though we are working more hours than ever before, we are also parenting more hours than ever before,” Sandler says. “There was some recent data that 4 out of 10 families in the U.S. have mothers who are the breadwinners, and yet we are still parenting more than ever.” Do the math …
Content mommy, content child
“My mother taught me that to be a good mother, it helps to be a happy person. That is something that we have really lost sight of because we are often expected to sacrifice our happiness for the good of our children, and I don’t actually believe it’s for the good of our children,” says Sandler. “So to me, having a little bit more freedom, both in terms of the things that we can measure, like opportunities in the workforce, to the number [of] sippy cups we have to wash, the hours of housework that each child requires, or the number of sleepless nights that we can stomach, to say, ‘I’ve done that with one child; I love this, but I don’t need to do it anymore,’ is something that should be OK to embrace.”
More choices? Yes, please!
“We make choices for our own independence until we have a kid—finding romance, cultivating friendships, and striving to build a work life in a stable forward-moving place,” says Sandler. “The notion that we are just supposed to stop caring about those things when we have a kid feels crazy to me, and while plenty of people feel that they can do it all with more kids, if that feels like something you don’t want to do, for whatever reason, or your body has said, ‘OK, we are done,’ well, if that is selfish, then I think we can defend that sort of maternal selfishness, frankly.”
More in your piggy bank
Cheaper by the dozen doesn’t fly when it comes to kids. It’s a no-brainer: Having one child is cheaper. “The cost of child-rearing has so radically outpaced inflation,” says Sandler. “It’s just much more expensive than anything, every year, and it’s not simply because fertility tends to fall when the economy does, or simply that people are stretched thin financially. Over and beyond that, kids are costing more and more.”
Being able to finance a bigger family is a legitimate concern, so looking realistically at the money angle is crucial. “If you want more kids, you’ll make it work, but if you don’t know how to make it work, people need to feel open to saying, ‘It’s OK if we only want one; we can only handle one and continue to live well.'”
