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Our lives rarely change quite as much as they do when we become parents — especially for the first time. No matter how long you've been together and how great things between you are, your relationship after baby will change, and sometimes not for the better. It makes sense if you find yourself in an unhappy marriage after baby; now that you have a child, you're a different person, and so is your partner — not to mention the fact that you're both operating in a more stressful environment with less sleep.
Want to avoid fighting with your partner after baby, or looking for tips on how to stop the fights now that you're in the thick of the challenges that parenting a newborn brings? Here's what you need to know.
Why you might fight after baby
There are a lot of reasons you and your partner might be fighting after having a baby, so rest assured: this is very common, and it does not mean your otherwise happy marriage is now coming to an end. But how often do couples fight in this situation? It must be pretty common, because according to the American Psychological Association, 67% of couples are less happy in their marriages, and it's easy to see why. Newborns are stressful, the situation is so new, and you're exhausted — not to mention the fact that you don't exactly have the same amount of time to focus on your relationship that you once did.
After having a new baby, couples fight about their different parenting styles, as well as the unequal distribution of labor that might be going on — plus, having a baby in general means that the entire dynamic of your relationship has changed forever. Add in the sleep deprivation in new parents, and you've got a recipe for arguments, even for couples who don't typically butt heads.
So what do you do about it?
Advice for new parents: How to get along as a couple after baby
A lot of what you can do to avoid fighting after baby takes place before baby. If you can take the time to lay the groundwork in the brave new world you'll be facing after your little one is in it, you might find that your relationship after baby is totally solid.
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Discuss expectations ahead of time.
This includes the division of chores, baby-related and otherwise. If you're planning on breastfeeding, that means the other partner will definitely need to pick up the slack in other ways — especially in the first days after you've given birth. Make a plan and agree with it before you actually have to implement it. -
Talk about how you want to parent your baby.
Of course, a lot of these decisions will come as you get to know your baby better, but different parenting styles can definitely cause couples to clash. Be aware of how you differ before baby arrives, and make compromises now. -
Discuss finances.
It's obvious that babies cost a lot of money, and that extra financial stress can only add to the arguments you're having. Create a budget together beforehand, including costs like diapers, childcare, and formula. And of course, there are tons of money saving tips for new parents out there that can help. -
Say yes to help.
Is Grandma eager to come over and cuddle your baby? You might want to let her — having time to yourselves, even if it's just to take a nap, can make a huge difference.
How to keep your relationship after baby healthy
Once baby has arrived, you can continue with healthy relationship habits that will ensure you can tackle any issues that come up with ease.
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Keep communication open.
Be willing to hear each other out when you disagree, even if your partner is saying things you might not want to hear. Both of your feelings matter, and immediately after a new baby, there are probably going to be a lot of them! -
Make self-care a priority.
Giving each other the chance to do something for you, like taking a long, interrupted shower, watching a movie by yourself in the bedroom, or even leaving the house to see a friend for a couple of hours, will improve your relationship, too.
“New parents should add a category to the conversation: ‘How are we going to have self-care? How are we each going to take care of ourselves?’” family therapist Tracy Ross told Healthline. -
Make sure you're both getting enough sleep.
When we're tired, everything is worse, including our moods and the fights we might have. To avoid the nastiest ramifications of sleep deprivation in new parents, make sure you're giving each other the opportunity to get in at least a few consecutive hours of sleep, even if that means caring for baby in shifts. -
Learn how to communicate with your husband or partner without fighting.
This means using statements that focus on how you feel without placing blame on your partner. Remember: You're a team working toward the common goal of keeping your baby alive. They're not the enemy! -
Remember this phase in your relationship is temporary.
You won't be in the thick of the newborn phase forever; you and your partner will eventually settle into your roles as parents, and with it will come a new routine, more sleep, and less stress.
"Your relationship is not an air plant, and if you don’t devote even a small amount of time to it, it will wither. I had grown so childcentric that my motivation to stop fighting was about our daughter, but I now see that Tom is the ally I didn’t know I had," mom Jancee Dunn wrote of her husband for Self.
When you're in the weeds of new parenthood, it can seem like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. But there is, even if you can't see it. Your marriage isn't ruined — in fact, if you can work through this, what can't you conquer as a couple?
