How to Ask for — and Get — the Help You Need in the 4th Trimester

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When does the 4th trimester start and what does it feel like?
Essentially, the 4th trimester starts as soon as you give birth. One of the reasons that the early postpartum weeks are deemed part of the pregnancy is because your baby is still wishing she was in your womb. This means your baby is likely to need you often and without distraction.

4th trimester symptoms:

Sleep deprivation
You’ll be tired all of the time. In fact, most of what you’ll want to do is sleep in all the available time slots when your baby doesn’t need you. After all, if you follow the common advice that I was given, “sleep when your baby is sleeping,” you’re likely to not have time for anything other than sleeping and caring for your baby.

Feeling overwhelmed
Dealing with older kids will try your patience and you won’t feel like that afternoon walk with the dog. You’ll have a chore list that grows by the minute. There is more laundry to do, more dishes to do (especially if you are using bottles), and a whole host of normal chores that you just won’t have the energy for.

Mood swings
It can be normal to feel the “baby blues” after you give birth. Your hormones are all over the place. But it isn’t just the blues moms get concerned with. Many moms in the 4th trimester experience extreme mood swings of joy and elation to depression.

Body changes
Having a baby can wreak havoc on your body. Your feet can actually grow a shoe size during pregnancy. On top of dealing with unsightly stretch marks, you’re dealing with potential tears and hemorrhoids. Intercourse may be painful due to the lack of estrogen production and pelvic floor dysfunction. Making your postpartum health checks is important to make sure you’re on the right track to recovery.

Many will offer to lend a hand, but choose your help wisely

Being able to ask for, and get, the help you need in the 4th trimester is imperative to giving moms and dads time to bond with a new baby. But what exactly does help during this pivotal time look like?

(Note: If you are giving birth during COVID-19, it will be necessary to limit your — and your baby’s — interaction with others outside your immediate family. Restrict your help to family and friends you are certain do not pose any risk of exposure and schedule virtual — or dropoff — visits with others.)

There are two types of visitors when it comes to newborns</a>; those who come to take care of you and those who come to cuddle with a cute newborn while you catch up on chores. In case you couldn’t guess which is more important during the 4th trimester, it’s the person who comes over to help check things off your to-do list.

Sure everyone loves cuddles with a newborn baby. But postpartum doula Shelly Taft warned that trying to accommodate visitors can bring added stress. “New families need to be working on bonding with their baby, not trying to cook meals and clean the house,” Taft told Mom.com.

“That being said, some family and friends might be more helpful than others,” she continued. “If you know your mother, for example, will come over and cook, clean the house, and walk that dog while you snuggle with baby, then she is the one you want to have visit.” I was lucky that my mom did just that for the first two weeks of my son’s life before she had to return to work.

Taft also said to choose your visitors carefully. “If you have a friend that you suspect will want to just hold the baby while you cook and clean… well, it’s best not to have them visit. Or ask them to stay for only a short time,” she said.

Asking for help — and what to ask for — in the 4th trimester

It’s best to start to anticipate the help you’ll need before the baby is born. Make a list of things you’ll need such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, and shopping. Start a meal train list among your family and friends to see who can help. Don’t assume your partner will be able to get it all done for you; in fact, assume he won’t for the simple fact that he should be bonding with the baby, too. The 4th trimester is as important for dads as it is for moms.

Put a list on the refrigerator, and when friends ask what they can do, read the list and let them pick what is easiest for them to accomplish for you. By giving your friends and family direction on what and where you need help, they’ll be more focused on giving you what you need. “It’s important to stop thinking of your needs as a burden on other people,” mom blogger Jennifer Masden told Mom.com. “You can ask and they can say no, simple as that. You are not responsible for how someone else thinks or feels.”

But by having specific jobs you need help with, you’re more likely to get valuable help rather than someone coming over to just visit with you and the baby. I had a lot of visitors when my son was born, and it was exhausting. All I wanted was to clean baby bottles and not look at laundry waiting to be put away.

When to seek professional help in the 4th trimester

If your baby blues are inhibiting your ability to properly care for yourself, your baby, or your family, you should talk to your doctor. Your doctor will help you get the help you need, whether it is meeting with a lactation expert or seeking treatment for postpartum depression.

If you suspect you are dealing with postpartum depression, there are many resources to get help. Those with postpartum depression express extreme feelings of sadness, anxiety, and exhaustion that prevent them from being able to manage daily tasks such as caring for themselves or their baby. If you need help before you can make it to your doctor, try an organization such as Postpartum Support International at 800-944-4773 to talk to a trained professional.