Let's dive right in: Dating after divorce has been one of the most fun experiences of my life. I feel liberated, I'm more confident, and I know exactly the kind of energy I need from a partner. These are qualities I didn't have in my 20s, when I met my ex-husband.
However, it's also been the most nerve-racking experience of my life. If you've been there, you know it can be both exhilarating and terrifying. So, when I learned that the co-hosts on my favorite new podcast, Splitting Upwards, would be talking with matchmaker Carmelia Ray on this week's episode, I couldn't press play fast enough.
Regardless of where we are in life and our dating style, it's so comforting to get some tips and just talk about how hard it can be. When it came to dating after my ex moved out, I was ready to have some hot new sex. I wasn't ready for much more than that. I didn't realize it at first, though.
After a few sexy flings, I found myself downloading a few dating apps, thinking I was ready to find a new partner. But with each passing date, I began to realize I still had more healing and work to do on myself before I could give myself to another person.
The thought of living with someone else turned my stomach. I loved my newfound independence and control over the thermostat. I didn't want to give up much of my alone time and found myself feeling selfish about my runs, reading at night and where I wanted to eat.
There were times I felt lonely and thought it meant I was ready to move forward. That wasn't the case at all. After getting into a relationship, I realized I needed to experience and heal through the loneliness — not try and fill it with someone who was actual ready for a real partnership. That certainly wasn't fair.
It wasn't long before I got better and more comfortable meeting strangers at a bar or for coffee. The nerves calmed down and never resurfaced and I'd find myself getting excited to meet someone new, regardless of how it ended up.
It was simply a meet-up to share some food and conversation and see if there was chemistry. I let all the what-ifs fly out the window. It was my time to have fun.
I began walking into dates feeling more in control. Instead of hoping I was going to meet The One, I started taking a hard look at the men I was sitting across from and thinking about if I really wanted to choose them or not.
If I thought there was potential, I'd give it about a month of dating before committing to someone. In my experience, you can't get a read on someone until you've dated them for at least that long. I learned this the hard way — I'd committed to a man after a few weeks and it went real south, real fast.
Dating after divorce isn't even remotely the same as it was when you were younger. You may have kids, a broken heart, and lots of financials to figure out. After being with the same person, it's hard to let someone new see your mind and your body.
It doesn't feel as easy as it used to and there's a lot to figure out. If you're dating after a split, I highly suggest being compassionate with yourself and taking your time. You are going to change your mind 100 times. You are going to have great dates and you are going to have crappy dates.
My best advice is to always put your feelings front and center (you may need to ignore that lusty voice sitting on your shoulder), and just relax. Don't think of dating as a chore, think of it as part of your journey to not only find a partner (if that's what you wish), but to also find yourself.
You are different than you used to be and that's OK.
Listen to Episode 9 of Splitting Upward:
