Why does it seem like our kids spew their version of the truth more often when they are around strangers or at the doctor’s office? They can go forever without commenting on anything, then you're all sitting answering the pediatrician's questions about bedtime and they say things like, “Mom falls asleep on the sofa and takes a nap every day and sleeps all the time, and I have to wake her up to make me breakfast?”
They definitely have a way with words, that’s for sure.
And if you were hoping it got better with age, I have a sad truth for you: It doesn’t. I now have three teenagers, and they tell people all the time that we never have any food in the house and that all I do is make them do chores.
Moms want to hear our kids talk (most of the time anyway), and instead of listening to them tell people in the grocery store our job is drinking wine or yelling at Daddy, these are the things we really need to hear from our kids instead:
1. You don’t have to do that
Let’s be real. Our kids don’t expect — or want — us to do all that we do every time we do it. Sure, there are things they grow to expect, e.g., my son doesn’t fare well if I forget chocolate syrup at the grocery store so that he can make chocolate milk, but there are times when we bust our butts to do something for them they just don’t need. They’d rather have our undivided attention or spend time with us than have us trying to get something done that isn’t that important, like make individual flowers for each of the cupcakes we’ve made for their birthday.
2. You look good, Mama
When he was a toddler, my youngest son used to crawl in bed with me every morning. He'd lie on my chest, suck his fingers, and watch TV. I was always itching to get up — I felt like there was so much to do, and I was anxious about getting a shower in, doing my hair, and looking somewhat decent while I dropped his brother and sister off at school. Then, one morning he said, “Mommy, I like it when you're in your nightgown, your hair is messy, and your boobies are loose.”
My daughter constantly tells me I look better after I’ve washed the makeup off my face and when I wear my favorite sweatshirt and leggings. Our kids don’t need us to be anything but ourselves. They love us as we are, and it’s wonderful to hear.
3. Stop
My oldest teenager is really good at saying this, and he’s always right. As a single mom, I try very hard to cover all the bases, but I do get stressed and overwhelmed. He’s told me a few times that it’s not worth it and it’s better for me to relax instead of working myself into a frenzy. It’s been the best reminder that my kids are watching me and looking to me to set boundaries and limits for myself. After all, that’s how they’ll learn to do it themselves.
4. Take your own advice
We try really hard to give our kids good advice — don’t spend time with those who treat you bad, don’t be afraid to leave a negative situation, try your best and don’t beat yourself up if you're not perfect, material things aren’t important, don’t follow the crowd if it doesn't feel right, etc.
Then, they watch us do things like stay in a bad relationship, or keep giving someone a chance who doesn’t deserve it. They notice when we aren’t happy with ourselves if we haven’t perfected something, we didn’t get a promotion, or when we're saying yes to please everyone and are grouchy and unhappy.
There’s nothing that humbles a parent like their child dishing them advice they gave them.
5. I need consequences
Now I can pretty much guarantee no child will say this to their parents, but I’ve learned something in my almost 18 years of parenting: Our kids want limits. When they're young, acting out is a cry for help. As they grow up, acting out is still a cry for help. They want to be noticed and helped — especially during those times when they can’t quite find the words to express it.
In case you need reminding, our children can often be the best reminders and the best advice-givers — we just have to make sure we're listening.
