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If you are a person of color in America you know that in regards to experiencing racism — it’s not a question of if, it’s a question of when. With rising anti-Asian hate and the constant violence against Black folks by the police, to the unending overt and covert racism in America, families of all ethnic backgrounds need support raising anti-racist children.
Part of the process is talking candidly about race and racism. But sometimes, we need help on how to deal with racism — whether you or your kids experience racism yourselves, or if you are a bystander and witness racism happening.
Why you should talk to your kids about racism
Since the outbreak of COVID-19, about four-in-ten Black and Asian adults have reported being subjected to racial slurs or jokes. Anti-Asian violence in the U.S. has spiked since March 2020, with over 2,800 reports of anti-Asian hate incidents to advocacy group Stop AAPI Hate in 2020 alone. In the first three months of 2021, there have been 213 people shot to death by the police — 30 of whom were Black.
Racism and its violent repercussions are unavoidable and many parents worry that their kids will be damaged, scarred, or lose their innocence when we break down racism for kids. However, it’s imperative that we incorporate teaching about racism in our parenting.
“We are just beginning the conversation with my teen about incidental everyday racism and microaggressions, which happens in what we thought were safe, liberal spaces,” Asian American mom Jean Hong told Mom.com. “We’ve also [discussed] bystander mentality and using one’s own privilege to stand up and protect others.”
As clinical psychologist Howard Stevenson told Vox.com, “You’re always communicating about race, whether you talk about it or not.” For those of us concerned about frightening our children with the information, Stevenson added, “But we do share things with our kids early that are troublesome, perhaps scary, but it doesn’t throw off their childhood or lead them to nightmares.”
For mom Holli Ann, who is white, racism is something they talk about a lot in their household. “I stay abreast with the news, not sheltering my child from the realities of the world we are living in but instead utilizing the stories we hear as teachable moments,” Holli Ann told Mom.com.
Teaching kids how to stay calm and other ways to deal with racism
It’s one thing to learn about history and even recognize racist acts. But it’s another thing entirely for our kids to know what to do when they witness racism in our classrooms, when their peers may say something racist in a social setting, or when they themselves are the target of racial slurs and insults online or in person.
Here are some tips to help your kid deal with experiencing or seeing racism happening.
Stay calm
While easier said than done, keeping their cool can prevent your child from aggravating an already tense situation. Here are some ways to stay calm during conflict:
- Take deep breaths
- Concentrate on your body and what it is physically experiencing
- Don’t raise your voice
- Actively listen
- Ask open-ended questions
It’s okay to walk away
The most important thing is for your child to be mentally or physically safe. Choosing to leave a situation where they are being harmed — whether in person or online — can be very effective protection. Walk away, block and delete, or disengage.
Speak up if they feel safe to do so
If your child feels safe enough to speak up, encourage them to do so. Your kid can ask open-ended questions such as, “Why did you say that?” or “Why do you think that’s funny?” They can reach out after the incident and explain to the person why their comments were harmful or hurtful.
Directly ask how your child is feeling
Ask about your child’s feelings. Do they feel scared? Angry? Worried about their own or their loved ones’ safety? It’s also a good idea to discuss your kids’ feelings even when nothing immediately “racist” has occurred. Normalize talking explicitly about situations where your child felt something unjust happened to your child or someone else.
“That sense of injustice, kids can feel that something’s not right. That actually is a great place to start,” said Stevenson. “The parents could say, 'Did you ever have a situation where something was done to you or someone that you felt was wrong? How do you feel about it? Is there something you wanted to say when it happened, but you didn’t because you were afraid?'”
Anti-racism resources for kids and parents
For more resources and advice on teaching about, fighting, and dealing with racism, check out some of the following sites as starting points.
Hollaback! You and your kids can learn effective bystander intervention techniques to help combat online and in-person harassment through this nonprofit organization's training.
Anti-racism Project This group offers workshops and courses to educate attendees about racism and oppression. Many are free and the curriculum is interactive. They also offer lots of resources for you to check out.
Center for Racial Justice in Education The nonprofit org has compiled a resource on how to talk to children about race, racism, and racialized violence.
