Before the pandemic hit, my young son let me go to work without a problem. I’m a writer with a little home office that has a locking door. A luxury!
In pre-pandemic times, anyway.
I’d tell my boy I was going to work and then lock myself into the office for several hours while he played with his Papa.
But ever since March, it’s been really freaking hard to leave for work
I’ll tell my son I’m leaving and his face will crumple. Heart heavy, I lock myself in my office, only to hear him screaming and flinging himself at the door before I can even open my laptop.
The sound shatters me, so I open the door.
Eyes red and teary, he says, “I just miss my Mommy. I miss my Mommy so very.”
When my tired husband patters down the hall to grab him, he says, “Papa, this is my Mommy! I love my Mommy so very.”
Who the heck can resist that?
So I bring my laptop to the couch and cuddle him close until he’s calm again. I turn on his favorite TV show and shove the guilt down to my toes.
He then proceeds to happily climb all over me while I attempt to work.
Always, I end up choosing him over work. I put the laptop away, knowing it’ll be another late night.
Is anyone else dealing with this too?
I try not to feel too annoyed because I get it, I do. Life is strange and sort of awful right now, and my little preschooler is feeling it hard.
But as Mama, I find myself dealing with it way more than my husband does.
Which is typical, isn’t it? Since the beginning of my son’s life, I have been the one to get up in the nights with him, feed him, change him, make sure he gets his teeth brushed and his hair combed and his snacks and toys packed for a fun day in nature.
If my husband had been the one to stay home with him, I swear my son would never have attended library storytime or parent-child open swim or left the house at all. Ever.
My son wouldn’t have had clean clothes or fresh sheets or a kitchen that didn’t smell like the inside of a moldy garbage can.
He wouldn’t have had anyone to read books to him, either.
He would’ve stayed home with his dad and watched TV all day.
It’s no wonder he’s more attached to me than to his father
And I deeply treasure my special relationship with my son, but I could’ve used a crapload of extra help in his younger years. My husband is getting better now, but it’s taken a lot of arguments and all-out fights to get here.
And now he gets to leave for his teaching job every morning without guilt or the screams of our son following him out the door.
In the last couple days, I seem to have figured out how to get some work done during the day with my son at home, because I have a new babysitter.
His name is Blippi.
So now, I get my coffee and sneak away to my office while Blippi entertains my son with his creepy laugh and his knowledge of planes and tractors and sea creatures.
I try to assuage my guilt at leaving my son in front of the TV for a couple hours a day by telling myself that Blippi is teaching him new words, like “excavator” and “bulldozer” and “horizontal stabilizer.”
But then when I try to turn Blippi off and get some quality playtime in, my son yelps, “Don’t turn off Blippi! I love my friend Blippi.”
So the crashing tide of guilt rages on.
I don’t really have any answers
I just know I’m not alone. So many of us mamas are trying to educate our kids all day while also staying afloat in our careers and making sure everyone gets fed.
When we’re juggling so much, it’s literally impossible to do any of these things well.
So if you’re an employer, you’d better give your working mamas a ton of grace. And if you’re a spouse who works outside the home, step it up when you walk through that door, if you haven’t already.
Because during this pandemic, we mamas are drowning with our children clinging to our necks.
It’s time for the world to rally around us.
