In case you missed it, it’s National Adoption Month. I’m a little bit OCD, and I tend to get obsessed with words. The word “adoption” is something that I am constantly fixated on because it’s a huge part of my life.
My wife and I adopted our baby from birth, just over nine years ago. Yet, if I'm being honest, until we made the decision to adopt, the word “adoption” had a stigma to it. But why?
There was something about knowing that my child wouldn’t have my DNA that made it feel different to me.
And if we’re all honest with ourselves, you feel the same, don’t you?
I have a good friend, and he and his wife have been trying to have a baby for over a few years now. We sat down and had dinner together, and I listened as he went through their story. I was able to relate, and I knew he was telling me all of this because he knew I would understand. And I knew, inevitably, he would want to ask me about our adoption process. So I waited for it. I tried to listen more than I spoke.
At the end of the conversation, it became clear that adoption would be a last-resort option for them. They were both fixated on having a biological child. And I don’t blame them at all for that, I really don’t. And I’m happy to report that his wife is due sometime in 2021.
But I have to ask myself, why was he so fixated on having a biological child if adoption would have been an easier option for them? It’s because we, as a society, have somehow decided that we must pass on our genes. We think that we'll be closer to our child if they are our blood relation.
I’m here to tell you that’s a load of crap
My son is my son. He does not have my blood, and thank GOODNESS he doesn't have my genes, because I've got some f’ed up genes in my bloodline. (Mom, if you’re reading this, I'm sorry, but you know it’s true.)
My child is mine and he is my wife’s, and there is no debate. You spend two minutes with this kid and you know who his parents are. The best part is, I don’t have to look at him and think, "Thank god he doesn’t have my family’s screwed-up genes.”
If you’re still reading, I haven’t convinced you at all that my adopted son is just as much mine as a biological child would have been. I get that. And there’s a reason. It’s a very simple reason, in fact. It’s because we have to qualify the word "child" with the word "adoptive."
So on this day during National Adoption Month, I propose that we take out the qualifying word. I’m sick of it and it’s unnecessary. Why does it matter that my son is adopted as opposed to biological?
Short answer: It doesn’t
I’m not saying that there’s a need to ignore the fact that my child is adopted. We talk about it all the time. He has questions and we try to have answers, but it does not define who he is.
And it does not define who we are. We are his parents. He is our son. Period. Saying we are his "adoptive parents" and he is our "adoptive son" is an unnecessary qualification.
The majority of you reading this have biological children. Have you ever felt the need to tell other people that this is your biological child? No. This is your child.
We still live in a society where, in TV and movies and in real life, we find it acceptable to make a joke where a brother convinces his sister that “she’s adopted.” Or when a family member embarrasses another family member, they say, “You’re adopted.” I suppose as long as we feel that it’s acceptable to make these jokes, then we need to have a National Adoption Month to remind the world that families are often made in unconventional ways.
So, happy National Adoption Month, everyone
I really wish we didn’t have to have this month, but I suppose if 12 months out of the year are designated for biological children, we should get at least one month to celebrate!
