“Mom, I’m a homebody,” my 7-year-old informed me.
As my son’s mom, my motherly intuition should be able to predict all of his personality changes before he even knows they’re happening. Apparently, my instincts were locked out at some point during lockdown because I hadn’t seen this one coming.
Playdates, outdoor adventures with friends, and movie meetups were my son’s jam. He loved spending time with his friends. Of course, this was before the pandemic. Was it possible that isolating most of the year had him feeling differently about socializing?
Over the past several months, I’ve noticed a huge difference in my son’s social needs and skills. Always one to seek out a neighborhood gathering, he was no longer on the lookout. The first to wave to the kids on our block when outside, I watched him lower his eyes as we walked past. He continued with our conversation about Minecraft, but there was no waving and no big grin to his peers to strike up a quick convo. When I asked if he wanted to stop and talk, he told me he didn’t feel like it.
He hasn’t felt like it in weeks
Yes, my kid goes through phases, and it occurred to me that this could be one, but it’s such a huge turnaround since the beginning of our isolation that I’m left feeling a little dizzy. Back then, my kid asked every hour on the hour when we'd be able to see his friends. Then, as remote learning continued and it was clear staying at home would too, he stopped asking.
Now that life is beginning to open up more, I figured my son would be thrilled to be getting out there again. When I mentioned that this transition would be happening in the very near future, I was informed of his “homebody” status.
Could it be that my kid has forgotten how to be social?
Was he too nervous to talk to his friends?
When asked if it’s possible for a child’s social skills to regress after isolating for much of the year, Briania Nicole Davis, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the owner of Open Arms Wellness, a private mental health practice, says, “It’s normal and natural to expect some sort of regression.”
One of the reasons kids regress in their social skillset is because they haven’t been able to practice their independence.
“In some cases, we’ve had our kids at home for a little over a year, and we’ve become comfortable having them become dependent on us,” Davis says.
She explains that it’s important for parents and caregivers to set the tone by being available to help kids through this transition period from isolating back to socializing.
One way to offer support is to practice some age-appropriate independence at home, like encouraging a remote-learning routine where kids can complete tasks on their own. This builds independence but also increases self-confidence. If a problem arises, certainly check-in, but give your child a moment to solve the issue. “This is what school would teach,” Davis begins, “problem-solving and the ability to work it out.”
A similar way to achieve this effect is to create daily pockets of independence by allowing kiddos to help with household tasks or simply put away their Legos so unsuspecting parents won’t step on them. Employing these skills builds that inner confidence kids can take with them into their future playdates.
Children still might feel a little nervous or scared at the thought of seeing friends in person after being isolated for so long, and parents and caregivers can help by guiding them through this stage. Davis says, “You really just have to walk with them and help them.”
This might mean putting your parental listening ears on and validating those big nervous and fearful feelings. “Let your children know it’s OK to feel the way they feel,” Davis says.
Children feeling nervous, scared, or sad are a normal reaction given the circumstances
Support children by staying calm and positive and ask open-ended questions like, “How are you doing?” then allow your child to articulate a response to their best of their ability.
For the kids who simply aren’t ready to jump back quickly into all the playdates, honor those emotions. “Again, validate those feelings. Have a conversation with your child and then check in. They just may not be ready at that time and need more preparation,” explains Davis.
I figured my kid would be dressed and ready for his first official playdate weeks before it was time, but life inside has made his outside life feel like a strange, far-off memory. I’ll be sure to keep the lines of communication open and not rush the process. I’ll support his independence at home and be there so he knows all his big feelings are totally understandable. My motherly instincts may not have predicted this change coming, but as Davis says, it’s OK to give ourselves some parenting grace, because none of us have ever parented through a pandemic.
