One sign of a healthy relationship is when a couple approaches things as a team. The good times, the bad times, household tasks, work stressors, and family stressors are all approached with an "us" mentality. Pregnancy is no different. Only one partner is pregnant, but the more each tries to make the pregnancy a joint experience, the more unity and enjoyment both will feel. For example, read a pregnancy book or two together. Take turns reading aloud to each other and talking about what you read. If you're pregnant, let your partner know you want him or her involved. If you're not pregnant, let your pregnant partner know you want to experience it all together.
Go to obstetrician visits together
Making the doctor visits joint outings ensures that each of you feels connected to one of the most important parts of the process. It also gives each of you the opportunity to see and hear everything firsthand so that you can discuss questions and concerns with each other before each visit and together with the obstetrician. If you can, go to lunch or engage in some other activity together after these visits. This gives you time to debrief and spend some quality time together. Some visits will be more exciting than others, but each can be an opportunity to connect with your spouse/partner, and that strong connection with each other is essential.
Be active and exercise together
Activity means different things to different people. Pregnant women should always discuss exercise with their doctor first, but, usually, if you were active before you became pregnant, it is safe and healthy to maintain that activity level during pregnancy. Even if you weren't active before the pregnancy, starting a moderate exercise routine will likely be endorsed by your doctor. Whether it's walking, yoga, swimming or pilates, exercise is a great stress reliever, and being active with your partner will help make sure you have time together doing something that makes you feel good and keeps you healthy. Even if exercise isn't your thing, get out of the house and do things together. Whatever you enjoyed doing together before the pregnancy, keep doing it!
Do things 'just because' to connect
This one is mostly for the non-pregnant partner. While it would be nice if your partner did something for you, she's busy making a person, so do whatever you can to make her feel cared for and important. Keep in mind, even in the easiest cases, pregnancy isn't easy! She'll tire more easily, sleep less soundly and gain weight. Throw in morning sickness, mood swings, and strange cravings, and you've got yourself a woman who needs extra effort from you. So surprise her with a card (or the pickles and ice cream she's been craving), do a chore or two that she usually would and, above all else, show patience and kindness. The more little things you do to prevent any undue stress on her, the better she will feel. And when she feels good, you might be able to … see No. 4.
Have sex! (and related activities)
Some women are afraid to have sex during pregnancy. Others just don't feel like it. Sex throughout your pregnancy is generally safe (talk to your MD if you have concerns), so if you can muster up the energy, sex is a great way to burn off some stress and connect both physically and emotionally with your partner.
Talk to each other about your needs and desires, and try to keep an open mind. And, as always, showing non-sexual affection to each other throughout the day is also very important. A good standard is simply to try to maintain whatever your pre-pregnancy level of affection was, assuming you were satisfied with it and the pregnant partner feels up to it. The non-pregnant partner's needs are important, too, but see No. 5.
Talk (hopes, dreams, expectations, fears)
Sometimes married couples make the mistake of believing that they already know everything about each other. Although you may have discussed your values, hopes, dreams, and fears with each other prior to conception, revisiting this conversation is always valuable, as sometimes things can change when the pregnancy dream becomes a reality.
Make sure you talk openly, honestly, and explicitly about things like division of labor expectations (diaper duty, nighttime feedings, bathing baby, household tasks, etc.), child care concerns, religious values, and anything else you can think of. Often, your values about these things will have direct connections to your own childhood. Discuss each other's upbringing at length. The deeper you each understand the other's needs — and the roots of these needs — the more relaxed and prepared you'll feel.
Be willing to accept influence
Once you've had the opportunity to gain a deeper understanding of your partner's needs and values, prepare to be flexible. Remember, in order to have influence with your partner, you need to be willing to accept influence first. Choose your battles carefully, and integrate your partner's needs into your thought process. This does not mean that you should avoid standing up for what is really important to you, but having a baby can be the ultimate wakeup call that your life is no longer just about you. In order to have peace and harmony in your relationship and in your family, it is essential to have a very small set of values and needs that are written in stone. The rest must be open to negotiation and compromise.
It takes a village, so build yours
Having a child will change your life. Although it is an amazing blessing, it can also be very stressful. If you and your spouse/partner are socially isolated or think it is your job as parents to manage it all on your own, think again. The couples who manage the stress of pregnancy and parenthood the best tend to have at least a little help from others. (The lucky ones have a lot).
Now is the time to nurture relationships with the people you love and trust. Include them in the process of preparing yourselves for baby. Have friends over. Visit with family as much as possible. Go out when you can. Talk, laugh, and connect with them. You're going to need them, and when you feel happy and supported as a couple, the task of parenting will feel much less daunting.
