While it may be surprising — and in some cases, even a bit shocking — psychologists say that teen and tween tantrums are fairly common.
“Just like toddlers, they get frustrated and don’t have the skills to verbalize it,” explains psychologist Stephanie Smith, the public education coordinator in Colorado for the American Psychological Association.
Teen tantrums can be a normal part of development, but they must be managed appropriately by a caregiver, of course.
Always consult a medical professional if you are struggling with your teen’s behavior, but here are some expert insights and strategies that might help you understand teen tantrums.
What causes tween and teen tantrums?
While a toddler may pitch a fit because he wants the chocolate chip cookie instead of the peanut butter one, tweens and teens are responding to complex underlying stresses, such as increased homework and academic expectations, peer pressure, and puberty-induced changing bodies.
“Even if everything is going well, life is hard,” says Smith. So, when one more stressor is piled on — a tough homework assignment, having to give up a party for a soccer game — a tween may occasionally lose it.
Strategies for Managing Teen Tantrums
Emotional intelligence is a skill that is generally learned with age, but your tween or teen may need some guidance along the way. A tween or teen tantrum might look a little different than a toddler’s, but it could still contain elements of being upset, tears, emotional outbursts, and maybe some raised voices and frustration. The key is understanding what is upsetting your teen and helping them learn the necessary skills of emotional regulation.
Here’s what might help with tween and teen tantrums, no matter how they look.
Don't engage
Teen tantrums are no time to try to argue with your child, get mad, or give them a lecture, says Smith.
Instead, try to stay as calm as possible. Your children expect you to be their rock; if you show emotion, it will escalate their over-the-top feelings. If possible, you may try to validate your teen or tween’s emotions to help them verbalize what they are feeling.
Walk away
Say something like, “I’m going to give you some privacy — let me know when you’re done,” and then leave the room, recommends David Palmiter, author of Working Parents, Thriving Families as well as the website Helping Parents.
Most of the time, without you to interact with, a tween will pull out of the tantrum in around 10 minutes, he says.
Continue as normal
Once the tantrum is over, don’t try to talk about it yet. Your preteen may get sucked back into the strong emotions. Instead, pick up wherever you left off, says Smith. For example, say something like, “I see you’re feeling better. Do you want to take another look at this math problem?”
Or, if you sense your tween is still on edge, you may want to suggest a new activity to break his mood, such as going on a walk.
Get to the bottom of it
After you’re sure the storm has passed, which can range from a few hours to a few days, depending on the child, perform what Palmiter calls a “psychological autopsy.” Say something like, “What was going on that day? How can I help you so it doesn’t happen again?”
Hopefully, your tween will open up about what sparked the tantrum — maybe a friendship issue was at the root or there was too much homework — and together you can figure out a solution to the problem.
Prep them on consequences
Most tweens will later apologize for their behavior, says Palmiter. But if your child has damaged something during the tantrum — let’s say he knocked over a lamp and broke it — apologies aren’t enough. Ask your child, for example, to earn the money to replace it by doing chores.
Making reparations is good for a child’s character development, says Palmiter, plus it’s a deterrent to a repeat performance.
Other forms of behavioral issues, such as speaking inappropriately or hurting other family members’ feelings in the process of the tantrum, will also need to be dealt with. A good rule of thumb may be to talk it out if it’s the first time it happens while outlining the consequences if it happens again. Then, your tween or teen has been adequately warned and the predetermined impact of their behavior will be well known on both sides.
Check in often
“Parents can usually see when their children are reaching the breaking point,” says Smith. “Kids don’t go from 0 to 100; there are clues along the way.“ Ask your child, “I’ve noticed you seem stressed/you’re not eating/you’re not sleeping well. Is everything OK?”
This gives your child a chance to talk out any feelings before they get the best of them. Checking in regularly also sends the message to your teen that you care about them and their well-being, so it could make them more apt to open up if they are struggling with a situation or emotion.
Schedule one-on-one time
On a related note, if you’re the parent of a tween or teen, try to make it a habit of spending regular time together. This time together is “the psychological equivalent to an apple a day,” says Palmiter.
Tweens may act out because deep down they don’t feel connected to their parents — despite their pull toward independence. Whether you spend the hour in one session or divide it into two 30-minute blocks or three 20-minute chunks doesn’t matter. Just make sure you let your child choose the activity and that you give him your full attention (yes, that means putting the phone away).
This extra bonding will smooth over the “speed bumps” of life, he says, and help tantrum-proof your child.
