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The 4th trimester is a time of adjustment, especially if you have other children to consider. When a new baby arrives, not only does the family dynamic change, but also the role of older siblings within the family. The youngest may start to regress in behavior. Older children may begin to feel left-out or harbor jealousy toward the newest family member.
But with a little preparation and a lot of communication, parents can help make the transition easier for everyone and even get older kids excited and eager to help with the new baby.
Helping older kids adjust to a new baby sibling
Having a new baby in the home is going to be an adjustment for everyone. When the new baby arrives, help your older kids adjust by teaching them how to interact with their new sibling. It is especially important that preschoolers and elementary-age siblings know to be gentle with the baby — you can stay nearby to redirect them if they’re being too rough. Let them look on as you take care of the baby so they know how to interact. When they are interacting with the baby in a proper way, be sure to offer positive reinforcement.
Let your older child know about the new baby as soon as possible. Don’t wait too long to tell your older children that a new baby is on the way. Dr. Mandi Silverman, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute advises parents to tell older siblings as soon as possible. Starting the “new baby” conversation early will give your child more time to adjust.
“The key thing here is that parents need to indicate that this is a positive thing for a family,” she said in an interview. “It’s a change, and change — whether it’s good or bad — is something that takes time to get used to,” Silverman explained.
Mom of two Meghan Bo agrees. “We explained why the bassinet was beside my bed and why we needed so many diapers, so she was prepared for what was happening as it happened,” she told Mom.com.
How older kids can help when you bring the new baby home
There are many ways older kids can help with the new baby. Depending on your child’s age, consider incorporating tasks they can do to help you take care of their new sibling. Preschoolers, for example, can help during bathtime or when you’re changing diapers. They will feel as though they’re contributing if you allow them to hand you the diaper rash ointment or a new diaper from the stack nearby. Elementary age siblings can read the baby a story or sing a song at bedtime.
If you have teenagers, involve them to the extent that they wish to help. Some may be willing to lend a hand, while others would rather spend time with friends or in their rooms. Remember that developmentally, teens will naturally seem more self-absorbed as they work through adolescence and begin to separate from family and form their own identities. It’s totally normal at this age, however, and clear and consistent communication is key.
Laura Canada Oneill made sure to find ways for older siblings to be helpful with each of her subsequent births. “A toddler or preschool child can fetch something for you. Older kids can help feed a sibling,” the mother of four told Mom.com. “My eldest ended up being in charge of carrying the baby for me as I’d had an emergency cesarean. He even learned how to change diapers.”
However, it’s also important to avoid overwhelming older siblings by putting too much pressure on them to help. “Avoid terrifying statements such as, ‘You are big now, and need to be responsible,'” Galit Nahum Leumi, a psychotherapist and family counselor, told the New York Times. “Often there is the expectation that a 3-year-old will suddenly be composed, patient, and start dressing and eating on their own.”
Combat sibling jealousy when the new baby arrives
A boost in confidence can have a significant impact on how your older child reacts and responds to the stress of a new or changing situation like the arrival of a new baby. Point out times when the baby is watching or listening intently to an older sibling. Let your older child know how much the new baby looks up to them or smiles when they come near. Parents may also notice behavior regressions in older kids. There may also be a resurgence of bickering between older siblings when a new baby comes home.
Mom of four Yadira Thabatah agrees that regular communication and encouragement can help combat sibling rivalry and jealousy no matter how old they are.
“We’ve also always emphasized the importance of using our words, especially when we’re upset,” Thabatah told Mom.com. “Every sibling has their rivalry here and there, but they’re really good at discussing their feelings and talking things out. They all look out for each other and it’s just so sweet to see them resolve their conflicts and come out the better for it.”
One-on-one time, if possible, is also recommended if you can swing it mentally and physically. “Make time to spend with just them,” Oneill suggested. “Even if it is just time to read a book together. It isn’t always going to eliminate jealousy, but it helps show them you haven’t stopped loving them.”
