When my daughter was born, my son was 1. She came into this world 45 minutes after I’d gotten to the hospital. And as I laid there, getting stitched up for over two hours while the doctor talked about reconstructive surgery for me, all I could think about was getting her home and seeing my son. Being away from him felt like a gut punch, and I kept wondering if he was OK without me.
Fast-forward a few days to the comfort of our own home, and I quickly realized that while the birth of my first child was hard and left me feeling like a puddle of hormonal porridge, it was nothing like trying to get myself through the 4th trimester of my second child.
I mean, why did I think it would be the same?
Their births were very different — of course postpartum would be too.
I was depressed. I was lonely. Yet I didn’t want to see anyone or have them drop by. It was too much work and got my son too riled up. If they didn’t wake the baby, they’d wake my napping son and, holy crap, did I need him to nap.
I was so sore from my stitches, and I didn’t want to have to pull myself together to see anyone. I didn’t have the energy. You can’t really get the rest you need and keep up with a walking 1-year-old and a newborn.
There were mornings with my son when he’d be up all night but sleep until 10 a.m. My daughter did the same, only now I couldn’t sleep when she did. One can’t exactly leave a toddler unsupervised.
He also didn’t understand when people came over that they were there to see the baby, not him. He’d get hyper and excited. He’d pull out all of his toys and want to put on a show. If family and friends wanted to help, they didn’t really know what to do or where things were, so they’d ask me.
It was nothing like when I brought him home and people would hold him for hours and things were quiet and calm. I couldn’t think straight and felt it was better to just try and do it all on my own.
Looking back now, I realize how silly that is
At the time though — when you have a newborn and another child, and you feel like your world has been tipped upside down — you want help, you want normalcy, you want the guilt to go away, you want your body to feel like it used to, you want sleep, and you want to establish a routine, but all of that takes so much time.
You don’t feel like you can pause to have the baby blues. Asking someone to watch the kids is a whole different ball game when you have more than one. Not to mention, you feel like you are never going to get the hang of parenting with more than one child. You’re feeding the baby and the other one wants you immediately. It’s sheer madness.
When I was left alone that first day, all I could do was my best. That was it.
So, if you are wading through your 4th trimester with more than one child at your feet, remember, that’s all you can do, Mama — your best.
The most important thing I could have given myself is time and space to get in the swing of things, instead of beating myself up and wondering why I wasn’t better at it when it it was my second time around.
Eventually though, I did get the hang of it. And you will too.
It might be weeks or months, but it will come
The 4th trimester with your second or third will be very different from the one you experienced with your first, and that’s OK.
Tell those close to you what you need. Don’t be afraid to ask for exactly what you need. Don’t be afraid to refuse visitors. And please, for the love of all things holy, don’t be so hard on yourself. Trust me, the kids will be all right.
