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It’s a familiar story: You’ve finally gotten Kid No. 1 into a groove with their sleep schedule, which in turn has eased some of those Terrible Twos. But that’s when Baby No. 2 arrives — and suddenly, your whole system goes completely out the window. Now your toddler won’t nap, which is throwing them into some pretty wicked meltdowns, and your baby also won’t sleep through the night either, which means that you are thisclose to pulling your hair out. (Amiright?) Before you do though, take a deep breath. Conner Herman, sleep expert and owner of Dream Team Baby, says this kind of toddler sleep regression is actually pretty common. And as maddening as it can sometimes feel, it doesn’t mean you won’t be able to get your big kid’s sleep schedule back on track.
“During times of transition, families can expect all sorts of peculiar reactions because human beings hate change,” says Herman, who also co-authored the book, The Dream Sleeper: A Three-Part Plan For Getting Your Baby To Love Sleep. “It means that the future feels uncertain, which is destabilizing, especially for children.”
While it might be easy to assume that maybe your child is just starting to naturally drop off their naps, Dr. Natasha Burgert, a pediatrician with KC Kids Doc, says that if this happens directly after you bring the new baby home, the writing is on the wall: It’s behavioral regression.
Understand what it’s stemming from
Some of this newfound disinterest in naptime might come from a genuine excitement over the new baby. They want to help Mom and Dad out with diaper changes, or “play” with their new baby brother or sister (or aggressively pat their head while you yell, “GENTLE!”). Either way, they’re probably thinking, Sleep be damned! There’s no time for napping when there’s important Big Sister or Big Brother stuff to be done.
On the flipside, there could be some jealousy at play, now that they have to share your attentions with this strange new baby, who may be cramping their style a bit — especially if they have to share a room, and are getting woken up in the middle of the night.
“Parents may notice that the typical sleep routines become problematic because bedtime is requires separation,” adds Herman. “If there is a new baby in the house, it isn't a surprise that the child may be thinking more intently about his relationship with the parents and the new relationship happening outside the bedroom when he normally feels safe and comfortable.”
Another factor, says child and family therapist Kim West, LCSW, might be a little something known as “crib envy.” As West writes in her blog, The Sleep Lady, crib envy is when an older child may suddenly start to miss their old crib, if the new baby has taken it over. And it’s “usually his way of voicing a fear that he is being replaced,” she explains.
“If you are going to transition a child to a bed before the birth of a sibling, do it at least two and as long as six months before the birth,” West suggests. “If you wait until after the new baby is born, give it at least four months.”
Above all, she urges not to rush the transition just because you need a new crib — especially if your older child is under the age of 2.
“If your older child is still happy in his crib, leave him there, and buy or borrow another crib for the new baby … or keep the newborn in a bassinet for a few months,” writes West.
Reassure them if they’re feeling insecure
A few missed nap times aren’t the end of the world, but when the loss of sleep starts to spiral into crankiness, random outbursts, and even tantrums, you’ll definitely wind up paying for it later.
If they’re struggling with jealousy, talk to your kiddo and reassure them that their new baby sister or brother isn’t replacing them at all.
“The most important thing you can do for the older child is to reassure him of your love,” wrote West. “Keep telling him how much you enjoy having a big boy or girl. Stress his ‘big kid’ privileges. Tell him how lucky the baby is to have such a great big brother or sister, and how much the baby will adore him.”
If Grandma and Grandpa or any other visitors come over, try to include your Big Kid in the conversation, so that the new baby isn’t all anyone’s talking about. You can also give them some important Big Sister or Brother jobs, says West, like fetching diaper or helping to wash the baby’s toes at bath time.
Remind them, with love, that they are important too, and that you’re so proud of the job they’re doing as a newbie Big Bro or Sis.
Keep the routine as consistent as possible
Righting the ship after nap time has gone askew isn’t always easy; but it’s possible.
“This change in the nap schedule may happen briefly,” says Dr. Burgert, “but I typically coach families to maintain the older toddlers schedule as consistent as able in order to avoid this regression.”
As much as you can, try and encourage your toddler to nap by reframing it as a positive thing, and gently coaxing them to sleep instead of trying to force it. She suggests sitting them down first for “quiet time” at least 30 minutes before nap time, in order to ease them into it.
“It all comes back to the night routine,” says Dr. Burgert. “Whatever routine you use at night [to get them to sleep], use a modified (but shorter) version without any ‘additional’ delays. It takes a few weeks to regain a new habit, but sleep time will become important if they do need a nap.”
Of course, Herman admits that consistency can be easier said than done when you’ve brought a new baby into the mix.
“It may be really hard to keep things consistent in the beginning, because parents are also experiencing change,” says Herman. “But for children feeling destabilized, it will be totally worth the extra effort.”
Above all, have patience
While it may seem like you and your partner are bearing the brunt of all the changes now that the baby is here, don’t forget that your toddler is going through a pretty big transition, too. So whatever you do, try not to overreact if they start fighting you on nap time.
“Every time we accidentally over-respond, or switch things up, that is data validating whatever worry a child might be having about how much impact this baby is going to have on their lives,” Herman tells CafeMom. “The best way to help a child feel comfortable is by reassuring them that everything is OK, and to keep everything as consistent to the old routine as possible.”
“Once the novelty of the baby passes (in about 4-6 weeks), they usually regain their prior routine,” assures Dr. Burgert, who adds that trying to put them to bed a bit earlier may also help.
In the end, it’s going to take some time to get used to, but know this: You’ll all get there — and yes, eventually, you may even get to sleep again, too!