EMDR Therapy Changed My Life When Nothing Else Could

I’ve been in therapy for close to five years. Though I had an idyllic childhood, I remember having anxiety attacks since I was a preschooler. Back then, there wasn’t much mental health education, so I spent years suffering from heart palpitations, stomachaches, hyper-vigilance, and dread. I wasn’t officially diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) until I was in my 30s.

I’ve tried many avenues to cope with my anxiety. When exercise, fresh air, and healthy eating weren’t enough, I tried a low dose of anxiety medication. I have been on this off and on for a few years, and unfortunately, it just made me feel irritable and groggy. I also tried cognitive behavioral therapy, which only went so far. I’ve also journaled, and I’m finally committed to meditation. These things have all helped, but they simply weren’t enough to deal with the dark cloud that hung over me.

Sixteen years ago, after being sick for well over a year, I faced a medical crisis. After being misdiagnosed with anorexia and being a hypochondriac, my husband took me to the ER. I couldn’t catch my breath, and I was guzzling water and juice. My emaciated arms stretched out on the hospital bed, while the nurses drew vials and vials of blood. An hour later, I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes — an autoimmune disease. I spent a few days in the ICU where multiple doctors told me I was very lucky to be alive.

Somehow, I believed that a person should only face one major medical event in their lives. I was wrong. Twelve years after my Type 1 diagnosis, I found a lump in my breast. Though the imaging looked promising, a biopsy proved otherwise. I was 35 when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I faced the disease for the second time last year.

I approached my counselor, a lovely woman who matches my enneagram 8 personality, about EMDR. She isn’t an EMDR practitioner, but she referred me to her colleague. In the meantime, I researched EMDR, convincing myself that it would be my saving grace.

It isn’t just some sort of Hollywood faux science. EMDR stands for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. There are different ways EMDR occurs, but there’s a fairly strict process in which the therapist prepares the patient for the actual EMDR sessions.

The goal, as it was explained to me, is to reprocess traumatic memories, so that in the future, they do not cause the same level of crippling anxiety that they once did. This isn’t some sort of miracle cure. The situations that the patient shares will likely always be unpleasant, but they won’t necessarily cause all-out panic.

In my case, I had a single traumatic memory that I wanted to process in EMDR. After doing all the prep work, the actual EMDR for me involved holding two vibrating devices — either one in each hand or one placed under each thigh. I was guided to revisit the traumatic memory. For me, it was the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer the first time — a memory that haunted me at every single medical appointment. As soon as I brought the memory to mind, I was tearful. But as we walked through that moment — the sensations I experienced, the words I exchanged with the doctor, and especially the helpless and terrified feelings I experienced — I began to feel relief.

I also can’t give you advice on whether or not you should try it for yourself. What I can tell you is that EMDR worked really well for me. I still have anxiety, and I still struggle to attend medical appointments, but the traumatic memory no longer stops me or renders me helpless when I’m in these situations.

I still work on my anxiety every day. I meditate, journal, exercise, and attend therapy. I’ve also been able to finally empower myself by reading more psychology books about how the anxious mind works and what I can do to take my life back. EMDR was the missing piece of the puzzle, and I’m so grateful I tried it.