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As much as we would all love to be surrounded by a group of supportive people who cheer us on and want nothing for the best of us, unfortunately, toxic friendships are a fact of life — we'll all come to the realization that we're in one sooner or later. And when you're pregnant, friends' abusive behaviors may become more apparent than ever before. After all, you're stressed, big changes are happening in your life, and you probably don't feel your best — and sadly, this is when those in your life either shine or disappear into thin air.
Before your baby-to-be arrives, now is a great time to get rid of toxic friends — meaning anyone who brings more bad than good into your life and gives you all the negative feelings when you spend time with them.
Signs of a toxic friendship
No friendship or relationship in our lives is perfect. They all take effort, and arguments and misunderstandings are bound to happen. But it's important to know how to identify toxic friends, and to see the difference between them and the ones who you know love you but who you disagree with from time to time.
Signs of a toxic friendship might look like:
- Dreading spending time with your friend
- Not enjoying yourself when you're with them
- No longer trusting them with your secrets or feelings
- Doing and saying things you don't like when you're around them
- Knowing they don't want the best for you
- The friendship has become competitive
- There is constant drama
Jealous friends would also fit into this category, and that's a quality that may not show itself until after you announce a pregnancy (or other positive news in your life). Remember, the friendships we have should add to our lives; if one seems to be taking away from your happiness, it may be toxic.
How to deal with a toxic friend
While some toxic friendships should end, others might be able to be saved if you're willing to do the work. Usually that involves setting boundaries and opening up the lines of communication.
If your friend's toxic behavior is uncharacteristic, consider the reason why. If they just started acting differently around you after you shared the news of your pregnancy, could it be because they're worried about what will happen to your friendship after the baby arrives? Maybe they're also trying to conceive but struggling — or they're dealing with tough stuff in their lives in a totally different category.
“If you have a friend whose behavior suddenly becomes problematic, checking in with them about what you’ve noticed and expressing a desire to understand the thoughts and emotions underlying their behavior may help them to feel safe enough to open up," psychologist Amanda Zayde told InStyle.
If communicating your feelings and trying to find out what might be going on behind the scenes with this friend isn't working, it could be time to try setting boundaries. For your own mental health, you don't have to answer the phone when they call or immediately reply to their texts. You can take space and distance yourself from this friend until when (or if) the friendship improves in the future.
How to end a toxic friendship
Sometimes, there's nothing that can be done to save a toxic friendship, and instead, it's time to figure out how to walk away. Ending a toxic friendship doesn't require a big conversation if you don't want to have one; you can always slowly distance yourself until they're no longer in your lives anymore.
If you do feel that a "breakup conversation" needs to happen, it's possible to accomplish that in a drama-free way. It can be as simple as letting them know that while you do cherish the time you've spent together, you need to focus on yourself right now. Pregnancy gives you a great excuse to do just that, after all.
Being pregnant is the perfect time to figure out what and who is important in your life, because your free time is about to become very limited, and you'll want to know that the people in your life have your back.
"I don’t tolerate toxic, selfish people in my life anymore. We all go through bad times in our lives and times when we need a little more than we can give, and that's OK," mom Kristina Wright wrote for Mom.com. "Friendship, real friendship, is about being there for each other. But I no longer make excuses or time for people who are so wrapped up in themselves that they can't be a good friend to me."
