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Once you're pregnant, there's a good chance it'll hit you: Your in-laws aren't just your in-laws anymore, they're your baby's grandparents. Though all in-law relationships are different, thinking about what their behavior might be like after the baby arrives can be a source of stress for you in your pregnancy, but it doesn't have to be that way. In fact, once you've had a baby, there's a good chance that your partner's parents can be a good source of family support — especially if you're able to have some important conversations ahead of time.
Pregnancy and new motherhood are two times in your life when you'll likely need more support and help than ever before, but what if you're already experiencing a lot of family drama? Here's how to get ahead of the new problems that might crop up and repair the old ones before baby makes their arrival.
How to deal with in-laws: Setting boundaries
All in-laws are different, but even while pregnant you may find that your partners' parents are already overstepping. They may have a lot of questions and opinions to share with you that you may find overwhelming or disagree with… and there's a good chance that will only intensify when your baby arrives. The time to deal with in-laws is now!
"If we feel close, we're constantly trying to bond with our in-laws. That takes time and emotion," social researcher Terri Orbuch told The Chicago Tribune. "As women, if there are issues, we are analyzing and trying to improve our relationship. When we do that, we take what our in-laws say as interference or meddling. Then we get angry. It affects the relationship with the husband."
That means that the first step to this process is having an open, honest conversation with your partner to make sure that you're on the same page and approaching this as a united front. The next step is creating boundaries. These can be whatever you feel comfortable with, because remember: You're the mom, so you make the rules. The in-law boundaries you set can be anything you want. How much do you want to share with them about your pregnancy? Start with what's going on in the present, and go from there.
It's also a great time to discuss what expectations everyone has for when the baby arrives and to get ahead of any foreseeable issues, including what will happen when you go into labor. Who decides who is in the delivery is you, Mom. Giving birth is not a spectator sport; it's a medical procedure. If you're not comfortable with your in-laws being in the room (or even in the hospital), you're the one who makes that call, and your partner should back you up on this.
Other topics you might want to discuss with your in-laws and your partner include:
- What you're comfortable with them sharing on social media about your pregnancy and your baby
- When they can come over after you come home from the hospital
- How often (and for how long) they will visit
- What help you are willing to accept from them
- Guidelines for keeping your baby safe during the pandemic: If it's important to you, are they willing to get vaccinated, social distance, and wear masks?
Even if you feel it's too early, it might be a good time to start talking about where you plan to spend holidays, as well. Everyone loves to be around a new baby, but don't forget that ultimately, you and your partner are the ones who call the shots.
In-law tips: How to be supportive
Are you the in-laws? Chances are, your intentions are good, but it's easy for a lack of communication to create issues in your relationship with your daughter-in-law. If you truly want to be helpful instead of hurtful, there are a few things you can do to make the mother of your future grandchild more comfortable.
- Don't offer unsolicited advice. Though you may just want to help your daughter-in-law learn from your mistakes, the way she parents can be a sensitive topic. Wait until she asks you for your opinion before offering it.
- Don't be intrusive. That means asking very personal questions about pregnancy or your daughter-in-law's birth plan — if she wants to share with you, she will.
- Do offer your help. If she's experiencing morning sickness, drop off ginger candies and a sweet note. After the baby arrives, volunteer to bring her favorite takeout over or to hold the baby so that Mom can get a nap in.
- Accept her boundaries as she sets them. If she asks for no hospital visitors, don't surprise her with a visit. If she asks you to wash your hands before you hold the baby, just do it — it's not worth an argument.
- Put yourself in her shoes. Try to remember how difficult it was to be pregnant or to be a new mother, especially the first time, and be willing to cut her some slack.
Remember that in the end, you all have one big thing in common: The love of this brand new little baby. You all want what's best for them, and while you might butt heads about exactly what that might be, let your child and their partner do the parenting (and let them make their own mistakes, as difficult as that might be).
In-law relationships: setting yourself up for success
Like we said in the beginning, these aren't just your in-laws anymore. These are your child's grandparents, aunts, and uncles. While there's nothing wrong with taking space from toxic relationships, in most cases, you will want to foster healthy relationships between your child and their family — and seeing how much your baby loves them may make you love them more, too.
And if you've had these hard conversations with your in-laws and nothing seems to be getting better, it might be time to cut your losses and find your zen. Arguing with them may not be worth the toll it takes on your mental health, especially while pregnant or postpartum. You might find it's easiest just to ignore their comments and unwanted advice and do your own thing anyway.
"Now when my husband’s cousin visits, I let them spend time together. I don’t feel responsible to entertain someone who insults me, but I can certainly put up with a few days a year of being totally annoyed. Because in the end, annoying relatives are usually visiting for just a few days. it’s not the end of the world. And certainly not worth the fight," mom Meredith Gordon wrote for Mom.com.
Set your boundaries, make them clear, and keep the lines of communication open from here on out. There will certainly be bumps in the road along the way, but hopefully, you'll find that working for a better in-law relationships and having that family support is well worth it.
